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"HARRY DETECTIVE" By The Goose Final Copy ---------------------------------- MAIN CAST Harry Carter, Teenage detective. Sarcastic. But a nice guy. Who I'd like to play him: The Goose (Me). Joey Forbes, Slightly mysterious, Harry's partner. Who I'd like to play him: Will Smith/Chris Rock. Kym McCullough, Teenage Cat burglar, negative attitude. Who I'd like to play her: Emma Watson Biggy Mac, Ex-Assassin, back with an outrageous plot. Who I'd like to play him: Nick Nolte or Kevin Costner. Colt Easton, Ageing Police Commissioner, way past retirement age. Who I'd like to play him: Clint Eastwood Stephanie Jackson, Joey's girlfriend. Kidnapped. Who I'd like to play her: Sarah Michelle-Gellar. Otto Wayne, small foul-mouthed, Italian-American cop. Who I'd like to play him: Joe Pecsi (made for the part) Uncle Phil, Coward, small time arms-dealer, scared of Biggy. Who I'd like to play him: Robbie Coltrane. Derek Scotten, Biggy Mac's best friend. Who I'd like to play him:?????? Marsha Myhill, Police Receptionist. Who I'd like to play her:??????? Vito & Donny, Two of Biggy Mac's Maniac pals. Who I'd like to play them: Kevin Spacey and Wesley Snipes. Title on screen: S-T-O-R-Y O-N-E: "M-I-S-T-E-R F-L-A-M-E-T-H-R-O-W-E-R" FADE IN: CHICAGO-9:20 A.M SUNDAY The street is virtually empty, late-risers are just opening their blinds to peek out at the day that God's given them-it's snowing-HARD. Almost a full bloody blizzard. But something's wrong. The few people who are on the streets are running around shrieking their bloody asses off, we SCROLL further down the street, to find some jackass dressed to up to his brains in Armour, and with A MEAN-LOOKING FLAMETHROWER in his hands! (Lethal Weapon 4 anyone?). He SPRAYS flame across the street, and laughs loudly out of his Biohazard suit. He sets the nearest shop (A baker's) on fire, and the customers and the patrons PEG IT. FLAMETHROWER DUDE You somebody stop me! I'm smoking hot, baby yeh! LOUD VOICE (Through Megaphone) Why don't you try your own one-liners instead of nickin' 'em off the mask and Austin Powers. The Flamethrower dude spins around, looking for the unseen voice, he looks backwards and forwards, suddenly a VOLKSWAGEN HIPPIEWAGON skids out of nowhere. FLAMETHROWER DUDE Who the hell are you, butt hole? LOUD VOICE Now it's beavis and Butthead, gimme a break! FLAMETHROWER DUDE C'mon out, you lil' punk! The Hippie wagon spins out of a dark alley The Dude SPRAYS flame in it's direction but the unseen driver puts it on two wheels and dodges. FLAMETHROWER DUDE C'mon, dude! Or are y'all scared? Yep, you are ain't'cha? MEGAPHONE VOICE Oh really? Check this... The Hippie wagon SKIDS back onto the road, and comes straight at him, and the Flamethrower dude is lucky to dodge it, he gets up. FLAMETHROWER DUDE That was a bad move, jackass! MEGAPHONE VOICE Okay, then. See what'cha make of this... FLAMETHROWER DUDE No it's my turn, now! MEGAPHONE VOICE No way. The Hippie wagon is coming straight at him. But The Flamethrower dude, whips out a Beretta. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Two bullets smash through the windscreen, but the Hippie wagon spins and CRUSHES the Dude's foot. FLAMETHROWER DUDE AAAAAGGGHHHHH! MEGAPHONE VOICE Feel my force! Dickhead! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Dude's gun makes three big dents in the hull of the Hippie wagon, The Megaphone guy opens the door, and drives straight at the Dude. He leaps out of the way, but CRASHES into the Door, and goes flying. The Hippie wagon STOPS DEAD. And a small figure jumps out. The dude gets up, and aims his Flamethrower. FLAMETHROWER DUDE Suck on this! CLOSE ON: Two hands, both in black leather gloves holding a SMITH & WESSON 40' MAGNUM .44 REVOLVER. It spits out three rounds: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! The three bullets hit the guy in the head, through his Biohazard suit and he SLUMPS TO THE GROUND, in front of the still unseen figure. CLOSE ON: The two hands still holding the .44. FREEZEFRAME. In front of this the Credits begin to roll up, then the title, and all that other bloody crap. This sequence should only last for two minutes or so. STARRING WILL SMITH SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR CLINT EASTWOOD EMMA WATSON NICK NOLTE AND THE GOOSE AS Detective Sergeant Harry Carter FADE OUT: A picture of a licence, it reads: "This is a certificate to show that: Harry James Carter is now a registered citizen of America, and now is to be treated as an adult. Including him being able to have a proper job and other adult stuff.!" Then there's a picture of a boy. Everything else fades away, apart from the picture, then we: ZOOM IN: TO LIVE ACTION: We then pull back to see DETECTIVE SERGEANT HARRY JAMES CARTER, a small decent-looking thirteen year old with gelled hair, and dressed in a white vest and torn jeans. GIN He is standing in a small, but spacious office, he stands in front of: COMISSIONER COLT EASTON, in his 70's, these are the last few weeks of his career. He is tall and gruff. Harry speaks, and we realize that he was the Megaphone voice. HARRY (British) So, commish. Wassup? COLT Harry, don't gimme that crap. I wanna congratulate you on a job well done. HARRY Oh, oh, that's okay. COLT Good. Because I didn't intent to waste my voice box on unneeded compliments. HARRY Right, so has the body been identified? COLT Yeh. Dwight Coleman, a native from Nigeria. Beats me why the hell he's here, but he is. He's got American Citizenship, lives in a flat above "Bradman's D.I.Y store". HARRY Want me and Joey to check it out? COLT Yeh, I... There's a loud knock on the door, Colt and Harry turn to see P.C OTTO WAYNE at the door, he's about 5'5, with dyed white/blonde hair and in his Late 50's. Also at the end of his long, but useless career. COLT COME IN. Wayne knocks again. COLT GET THE HELL IN HERE! Wayne mouths something, then walks straight into the door, and somehow BOUNCES off. He finally opens the door, holding his throbbing nose. WAYNE (Muffled) Phwoam...mrrr...phrhh..fmck...dofr. COLT Get you damn hands away from your nose and talk sense, you stupid fool. Wayne takes his hands away from his now red nose, and talks in his normal squeaky annoying voice. He is very foul mouthed, but he is constantly Bleeped out. WAYNE Yo, boss. I got the (BLEEP) info you wanted, his name is (BLEEP) Dwight (BLEEP) Coleman, the (BLEEP)s, got American citizenship. He lives in a (BLEEP) fla... HARRY We already now, you crazy son of a bitch. WAYNE Harry, you startin' on me you lil' (BLEEP) Leprechaun, I'd kick your (BLEEP) ass any day. I got a big (BLEEP) gun ya see! HARRY So've I. COLT Just get outa here you no good... WAYNE Okay, I'm goin', I'm (BLEEP) goin'... Don't (BLEEP) panic. Why the (BLEEP) is this damn think Bleeping (BLEEP)...(BLEEP)...(BLEEP)... Colt gives him a look, and he bleeps his way out of the office. COLT So get on it Harry, Bradman's an old pal he won't want to see a warrant. Get over there, and get any info that you can get. HARRY I'm on it. BRADMAN'S D.I.Y STORE TONY BRADMAN, a small podgy guy of about 40 is sitting behind his desk, watching a T.V set which is on the wall. Harry enters followed by his partner, JOEY FORBES, 30's, black, small, wisecracking, foul-mouthed. Shares a flat with Harry and his girlfriend, STEPHANIE. JOEY Yo, Bradders. How's it hanging? BRADMAN Fine. JOEY Bullshit, you pretty duded. BRADMAN Duded? JOEY Yeh, man, Duded! Yeh, up, baby! HARRY Why is the world quoting Austin Powers. Why not Dirty Harry... He takes his 44. out and begins waving it around. HARRY (Messing around) I know what you're thinkin' did he fire... An old woman, who happens to be in the store sees the gun, she pulls out a Spas 12' shotgun. OLD WOMAN Hands up! I'm Mary Henderson, F.B.I! BOOMF! He opens fire on Harry, who leaps out of the way, three bullets PEPPER the wall behind him. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! He fires back at her, but she does a quick series of flips and lands on top of the till. Bradman takes out a Shotgun and starts SPRAYING FIRE at everyone. BOOOMF! BOOMF! BOOOMF! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BOOMF! Joey takes out a Silver Beretta and begins BLASTING away too. Henderson SOMERSAULTS under Harry's legs and TRAINS her SPAS 12 on Harry's Bollocks. HARRY Whoa! Hey girl, ain't that a bit drastic. HENDRESON Yeh, I suppose so. Young men without Penises don't get very far in life do they, but still I arr... HARRY I'm a cop! (Shows his badge) Harry Carter. C.P.D. Chicago Police Department. HENDRESON Oh righty hoh! Sorry to have bothered you, young man. And just like that, she puts her gun away and goes. BRADMAN Hey whatta 'bout my store? HARRY Put it on the insurance, man. JOEY Whoa! She's feisty! HARRY If Stephanie heard you say... JOEY No I was just saying. HARRY Yo, Bradders can we go into Coleman's old Flat? BRADMAN I guess. JOEY You haven't cleaned it up have you? BRADMAN Nope, I guessed you dudes'd wanna check it out. HARRY Thanks, man. Harry and Joey HOLSTER their guns into their Shoulder-holsters and head up a flight of stairs. BRADDERS Oh, it's the third door on the right. DWIGHT COLEMAN'S FLAT Joey and Harry enter, it's a pigsty. Clothes and other crap are strewn everywhere. The flat's certainly got enough stuff in it. It's got a PC, a Playstation 2, T.V, VCR, DVD player, Mobile phone, Landline Phone, DVDS and Videos, CDs, CD player...etc. HARRY Anything good? JOEY Nuthin' suspicious. HARRY Should we call Forensics? Pause. BOTH Nah. They both take out Gloves, and begin fiddling around with stuff. HARRY Check for the last numbers called on that jackass's mobile. JOEY Do it your self. HARRY Fine it will. As Joey continues to Prowl the flat, Harry grabs the mobile-A Nokia 3310, and CALLS the last number, a grumpy man answers. GRUMPY DUDE What'choo want? HARRY Who the hell is this? GRUMPY DUDE Biggy Mac, who's this? HARRY Biggy Mac, what are you a burger or something? BIGGY MAC Who's this? HARRY Fry. BIGGY MAC What're you a goldarned French Fry or somethin'? HARRY Hey! I charge copyright. (Hangs up) Jackass! JOEY Who the hell was that? HARRY A burger I think. Suddenly the Cell-phone begins to ring. It says "BIGGY MAC" on the Screen. HARRY (Answers) Yeh? BIGGY MAC Yo, Dwight M'man. What're you doin' callin' me a burger? HARRY Dwight's dead, asshole. Wake up to the world, it's callin'. BIGGY MAC Lissen' Kiddo, d'you know who I am? HARRY An ass-kissing Burger? BIGGY MAC Now, son. Let Uncle Biggy talk to Uncle Dwight... HARRY Uncle Biggy? Your Knob's probably the size of a Blue-Bottle's ass. (Pause) 'Cos you can't even see a Blue Bottle's ass! Ha! Ha! Ha! BIGGY MAC You little punk, I'm gonna... HARRY What'cha gonna do Burger-boy, drown me in you cooking fat! Ha! Ha! Ha! He hangs up. JOEY (In-between laughs) Nice one, Harry-boy! Harry nods, and turns to take another look round. JOEY Whoa! Ho-ho! Mr.Coleman's been a naughty lil' boy. Harry turns to see Joey holding a Salt-Shaker thing in his hand, he pours out the contents onto his palm-a small plastic bag of Heroin. Harry turns to Joey, they share a glance. HARRY Well, Mr.Coleman certainly wasn't a saint. JOEY Then again, who is? HARRY Absolutely no-one. Harry takes out a box of Small stubby Mexican Cigarros (Cigars to you and me). He lights up. HARRY Now did this Mr.Coleman have any other Illegal substances? Joey pulls up the duvet and the mattress of his bed, to reveal a red plastic box, with three Uzi's, a Grenade, a Flamethrower-pack and a Glock 17. JOEY Oh balls! HARRY He's glad he's dead I bet. JOEY Sure is, but why would he have all this Hardware? HARRY Maybe he was worried about Burglars. JOEY Harry, whoever he was. I think he was gonna do something real bad. HARRY Real Bad. Anyway, get Colt in on this, we need to find the Supplier... FADE OUT TITLE ON SCREEN: S-T-O-R-Y T-W-O: "N-I-C-E H-E-I-S-T" FADE IN: A black room, completely black. The only light is given by the T.V which puts an eerie blue flashing glow, in front of the T.V is BIGGY MAC (Burger-Boy). Biggy Mac is about six foot, he has thinning black hair, and is rather ugly, he is almost naked apart from a pair of pink pyjamas. The phone rings from the distance. BIGGY MAC Alphonse! You get that, and if it's that little kid again, tell him to... ALPHONSE (V.O) Sire, it's Mr.Scotten. BIGGY MAC Well gimme the goldarn phone, you damn Scottish baboon. ALPHONSE GILBERT, a small skinny British butler comes up the stairs, with a portable phone and hands it to Biggy Mac. BIGGY MAC Don, what's wrong? SCOTTEN (Phone) Well I... ALPHONSE 'Scuse me sir, but I'm Engli... BIGGY MAC Clear off. SCOTTEN Who me? BIGGY MAC What? Oh no! I was just talking to that little Scottish Baboon, Alphonse. SCOTTEN Anyway, as I was saying, about... CUT TO: CHICAGO ART GALLERY-LATE NIGHT It's about eleven P.M at night, and the gallery has closed for the night. There is one solitary guard in the Parking lot. He is about 50, and overweight with glasses and a rather vacant expression. His name is ADNAM. He has a GLOCK 17 in a holster by his side, but he's a crap shot. Suddenly there's a slight movement, we only see it for a second-but there's someone there. Suddenly a dark shadow jumps beside Adnam's small Guard-box. CRRRRRRRAAAACCCCKKKK! The figure POPS out and karate-chops Adnam in the neck, he drops instantly. Unconscious. The figure then looks around for anymore danger, there isn't any. This is KYM MCCULLOUGH, she is very sexy about Harry's age, she's a Cat-Burglar. She is so hot, so, so, so hot. She's the sort of girl that thirteen year olds like me (yes the author is only a teen) Fanaticise about. Kym moves forward with cat-like agility. She whips out a small Orange gun, and loads it with something, after one more check for danger, she fires: POP! A small Plunger like thing SHOOTS out and STICKS onto the wall, slowly she drags her extra fit body.................. (Sorry just fanaticising again). Onto the wall, then she PULLS herself up, and grabs hold of a SPIKE on the wall, she then THROWS herself onto the roof and retracts the Plunger and rope back into the gun. She looks down and sees a SKYLIGHT, she nods, then takes out a double barrelled Shotgun, she AIMS then: POP! POP! Two Plungers POP out of the Shotgun, and attach to one window Payne of the Skylight, then she YANKS it, and SPLAT it pops out, then Kym takes out another gun and: QWA-DOOOCH! A plunger attaches onto the floor of one of the Gallery rooms, she bites her tongue as she lowers herself down, and STOPS just as she hits the ground. She takes out a pair of Infa-red Goggles. KYM'S P.O.V She can see lots of SHARP LASER RAYS around a big pedestal where a very expensive painting sits on. She then does some very good ACROBATICS and flicks onto the Pedestal. Calmly she grabs the Painting, puts a bag of weights in it's place, and is GONE AS QUICKLY AS SHE CAME. What a Marvel hey? CUT TO: HARRY/JOEY/STEPHANIE'S FLAT-EARLY MORNING CLOSE ON: Harry's face as he sleeps, his hair is still gelled, even though he's been asleep for ages. PULL BACK FURTHER: To see Harry on his bed, the covers are covering everything but his head, he is locked deeply into a dream. HARRY (In his Sleep) Oh...oh...oh....OOOOOOH!...Jam...Honey...Pickles! Joey and his girlfriend STEPHANIE JACKSON, an extremely pretty blonde in her late 20's. They are sitting watching T.V on the sofa, and they look over at Harry as he sleeps. (No need to say what Harry's dream is, but what's with the jam, Honey and pickles?). Suddenly Harry GOES FLYING UPWARDS and shoots out of the bed and SMASHES into the wall in front of his bed, The two watch as he SLIPS down the wall. HARRY Oh damn it! Joe-why'd you let me sleep on? JOEY You were talking in your sleep. HARRY Really what'd I say? STEPHANIE Err...Orgasms, Jam, Pickles and Honey. Nothing Sensible. HARRY What did you expect me to say something sensible? STEPHANIE No, you never say anything sensible when you're awake, so why would we expect you to in your sleep? HARRY I dunno. JOEY Was it a Nightmare? HARRY Sure was. JOEY What happened? HARRY That's personal! STEPHANIE/JOEY Oh just the usual. They both laugh. HARRY Hey stop bullying me! He turns to the T.V, Bridget Jones' diary is on. HARRY Whatever bollocks is this? He unceremoniously grabs the Changer and changes it to DIE HARD! All the Explosions and gunfire almost deafens them, as Harry MAXES the volume. STEPHANIE Ugh! What crap! I'm gonna shove the palates in the dishwasher. HARRY Hey wait! I haven't had anything yet! STEPHANIE Make it and wash it y'self. She exits, Joey laughs, Harry SMACKS him in the face with a Pillow. The phone rings. HARRY Bollocks right in the middle of the film! Joey grabs the portable. JOEY Hello? COLT (V.O) Joseph, we got some'ing. I dunno what to think about it. Y'know Kym McCullough. The famous Girl cat-burglar. Of Harry's age? JOEY Oh, yeh. What has she struck again? COLT Uh-huh. Hit the goldarned Art gallery. Nicked the "Gunna-Rita". Long pause. JOEY What the hell is that? COLT A famous portrait...anyway, this girl really is pissin' us off. She needs to be apprehended. JOEY We can't help, we're tied up with try'na find Coleman's supplier. COLT Oh yeh, well get on with it then. Damn when I was your age I'd... Joey hangs up. JOEY C'mon, Harry ma' man, get'cha coat on, we're gonna solve this damn case, just to shut Easton's flamin' mouth up! HARRY Right, just lemme' get changed. CUT TO: POLICE STATION Harry and Joey enter the Technicians room, Wayne sits at one of the Computers, while Joey is talking to another technician. HARRY Wayne, have you got the info I wanted? WAYNE What on the local (BLEEP) arms-dealers? Yes, I printed out five (BLEEP) pages. Pause. HARRY And where are they? Wayne rumbles in one of his pockets, and takes out a small wad of paper. He hands it to Harry who gives him the thumbs-up, then he and Joey exit. WAYNE Well don't thank me ya lil' (BLEEP). HARRY (V.O) I won't. FADE TO: UNCLE PHIL'S YARD Te Hippie Wagon SCREECHES to a dangerous halt in front of a big sandy yard. There's a huge metal barn-like-thing, inside it we can see an old battered Corvette. Harry and Joey get out. HARRY Hi, Anyone home? Suddenly the door of a small little house FLINGS open, and a small obese man with a bald head, and an annoying Marijuana Joint in his mouth. As soon as he sees it, Joey grabs it outa his mouth and SCUFFS it underfoot. The guy is UNCLE PHIL. UNCLE PHIL Hey, ma boy. Whawassat' for? Why y'all be'er buy me a new batch. Ya lil' twat. JOEY Call me a twat, and I'll rip your bollocks out, trample them underfoot, spit on 'em, shoot on 'em, drown 'em, rip 'em to bits and flush 'em down the toilet. UNCLE PHIL Okay...So whaddaya' need, boyo? This y'all lil' boy, whoa! I bet you're a cheeky lil' chappie, in't ya? Yes siree Bob. HARRY Piss off. UNCLE PHIL Whay' ah should wash yo' mouth out wit' soap! He makes a step toward Harry, but both him and Joey cover him with their guns, Uncle Phil backs down, Harry flashes his badge. HARRY We need to know some information, and we need to know now. UNCLE PHIL Y'ain't gonna git' nuthin' outa me. HARRY Have you ever sold any weapons to a guy named Dwight Coleman. UNCLE PHIL Ma' mouth ain't openin'... CRRRAAACCKKK! Harry SMACKS him in the bollocks with the butt of his Magnum .44, Uncle Phil's eyes cross, and he begins hopping round the yard, holding his bollocks, but Joey stops him. HARRY You'll get another one, if you don't co-operate! UNCLE PHIL No! No! But try my friend, Smithers I think he might have. Harry and Joey turn to go, but: CRRRAAACCKKK! Harry SMACKS him in the bollocks again. UNCLE PHIL W...wh..what...w...wassat...f...for? HARRY Luck. They exit in the Hippie Wagon, as Uncle Phil limps off, clutching his bollocks. KYM MCCULLOUGH'S HIDEOUT Kym sits in a small but cosy little building, not as shabby as a Hovel, but not as big as a House, it's tucked into the far corner of Chicago. She sits in front of CLARK, a big muscular black guy in his 30's, he is the one she sells the Paintings to for a lotta cash. CLARK You got the Painting? KYM Don't I always. CLARK Damn it, woman... KYM Girl. CLARK Whatever. Anyway one day you'll meet you match, one day someone'll get you, preflably a guy. KYM Get lost, Clark. I don't like guys... CLARK You're a lesbo? KYM No, no, I'm just not old enough to date yet. CLARK Well... KYM Just gimme the money. Clark shrugs and hands her a briefcase. She opens it and we see loads of notes. CLARK Two million. Just like you said. KYM Thanks. CLARK Say, Kym. Why don't you buy a nice pad with all those millions that you got. KYM Not old enough. CLARK Mmmm...See ya around. He takes the painting and is gone. KYM (To herself) A man! Huh A man would never get me! FADE TO: TITLE ON SCREEN: S-T-O-R-Y T-H-R-E-E: "A M-A-N G-O-T M-E! N-O-O-O!" FADE TO: CLOSE ON: A cheeseburger, Harry opens the top of the bap, and SPLASHES A good Dollop of Hot Sauce, then a good dollop of ketchup. Stephanie is eating a low-fat salad, Joey is nowhere to be seen. Harry eyes the Salad. STEPHANIE What? HARRY What? What? What? STEPHANIE What are you looking at my Salad for? HARRY Why d'you eat that low fat crap? STEPHANIE Because I like to keep my figure. HARRY Goodness sake woman! Live! Hey look at this juicy, delicious burger. Yum, yum yum! He waves it in front of Stephanie's face, and when she's just about to take a bite, he rips it away and eats it. HARRY Sucker! STEPHANIE Huh! HARRY I thought Joey would've been back now. Stephanie finishes her salad, and takes the palate into the kitchen, while Harry tucks into another Burger. STEPHANIE Err, Harry...why the hell is your gun splattered in blood? HARRY (Uncle Phil) Did I hit him that hard? CUT TO: HOSPITAL ROOM Uncle Phil is on a bed, while skilled Nurses and Doctors work on his Privates. UNCLE PHIL Oooh-hoo-hoo! That tickles! BACK TO: THE FLAT STEPHANIE Harry...hello...Harry to Earth! HARRY Huh?! What? Oh sorry, I just had a vision. STEPHANIE You and your visions. HARRY Stephanie... STEPHANIE Yeh? HARRY There's something I've been wanting to ask you for a long time... STEPHANIE What? HARRY Have you and Joey ever thought of marriage? STEPHANIE Nope. Harry picks up the Newspaper. CLOSE ON: THE FRONT COVER: It says that The Queen is coming to Visit the Chicago Art gallery. FADE TO: BIGGY MAC'S PLACE Biggy Mac sits in a Tracksuit, jogging up and down. DEREK SCOTTEN, a small fat extremely ugly man with a small crooked nose enters, behind him are two of Biggy Mac's other pals, VITO and DONNY. SCOTTEN Macster, Did yer check out der news las' noight. When it said that the Queen... BIGGY MAC Shut up! SCOTTEN Bu... BIGGY MAC SHUT UP! Silence. BIGGY MAC Thank you! Now guys the reason I have gathered you here is because plan XX-50 is ready. Just two more elements remain. DONNY And they are? BIGGY MAC 1. We need to get 36B-Niner, it's the only thing that could possibly do XX-50. So we bribe 36B-NINER, everyone okay on that? FRIENDS Yep. VITO So err...what's No two. BIGGY MAC Do the damn Operation it's self. So here's the deal, Donny you and Sneakers get over to Uncle Phil's place, get the last box, then get over to... RING-RING. Biggy Mac answers his phone. BIGGY MAC Hello? HARRY (V.O) You, Burger-boy. How's it hangin', dude? Shagging ya' bitches. BIGGY MAC Listen, who is this? HARRY Your ass! He hangs up. BIGGY MAC Sorry about that...anyway, I got directions from our good buddy, Mr.Clark, he will also meet you there, so be on your way Ten A.M tomorrow morning. FADE TO: Harry standing in a white flashing room. Three doors surround him. SURREAL VOICE Be gone...le Megiow... Harry spins round and finds an axe coming towards him, he manages to dive out of the way, but as soon as it misses, it turns into an Ice lolly. Harry reaches for his Gun, but can only find a Flashlight. Suddenly all four doors open and four women walk out, they all have women's bodies but with Harry's head on all of them. HARRYWOMAN#1 Hi I'm Harriet. HARRYWOMAN#2 Hi, I'm Harrieta. HARRYWOMAN#3 Hi I'm Harienta. HARRYWOMAN#4 Hi I'm Harrold-dina. HARRY Harold-dina? HARROLDDINA Yeh, I can't be called that if I want can't I? Suddenly Uncle Phil bursts through the door, naked. He has everything but a dick, which is just a bare patch of skin. He holds a Shotgun. UNCLE PHIL Suck on this, bitches! BOOMF! BOOMF! BOOMF! BOOMF! He fires four shots and the Harrywomen explode into blobs of jelly. UNCLE PHIL Harry! I speak! HARRY Well Speak, then, man! Don't hold it in! UNCLE PHIL Come to my place tomorrow-BELIEVE ME IT'S WORTH IT-AND I DID SAVE YOUR LIFE. He suddenly POPS into nothingness, but an eerie voice continues to say: EERIE VOICE ALWAYS TRUST A DREAM! ...A DREAM... A DREAM...A DREAM. HARRY AAAGGGHHHHHH........... SMASH CUT TO: Harry flying out of bed (Again). Joey and Stephanie turn to him. JOEY Harry, man. You are a serious Dreamer! HARRY That wasn't a dream...It was a...a...a... I dunno...a...Thingy. JOEY A thingy? HARRY Joe...Gimme a minute to get changed. JOEY Oh no! Harry you're not gonna go Gallivanting off on some wild damn Dream-chase, are you? HARRY Yep, and you're coming with me. HALF AN HOUR LATER UNCLE PHIL'S YARD The hippiewagon pulls up. JOEY Harry, why are we trying this. Phil probably ain't got no Bollocks any more. HARRY So? Does that me that he can't do any bloody dealing? JOEY Well... HARRY Shut up... Harry jumps out, and takes out his Revolver. Joey, who gets out the other side, turns to him. JOEY Why the gun? HARRY You'll see. (Gruff voice) PHIL! PHIL! GET YER ASS OUT HERE. Uncle Phil comes limping out. UNCLE PHIL No! No! Please keep away from me! No! I haven't done anything to you! NO! PLEASE NO! Uncle Phil turns and BOLTS round the corner of his building Harry immediately SPEEDS after him, and Joey goes round the other way. Uncle Phil outruns Harry, but Harry LEAPS onto a Dumpster, and does a TAKEDOWN on Phil. But Uncle Phil pushes his way out of Harry's hands and BOLTS (again), but Joey grabs him round the legs and Uncle Phil BANGS his chin on the wall, Harry rushes over to him and places the gun-butt to Phil's bollocks. HARRY Phil...I know you're doing something, I'll give you ten seconds to tell me, before it's Bollocks-smashin' time...ONE...TWO...THREE... FOUR...FIVE...SIX...SEVEN...EIGHT...NI... UNCLE PHIL (Petrified) Okay...I'll spill the beans... JOEY What beans? UNCLE PHIL Y'know, the Beans! There's this guy called Biggy Mac, and he's oh...y'know the art thief Kym McCullough? HARRY Yes...Yes..c'mon... UNCLE PHIL Well I know where she is, and two people are trying to kidnap her, so she'll help them break into the President's Chicago mansion-where the queen will be staying-and kill her and The President. She's about the only person who could, ain't she? HARRY Where is she? UNCLE PHIL Well...I don't actually know... Harry raises the Gun. UNCLE PHIL Okay...okay! A small hut on the south of Ruce Bay. HARRY Phil you're great. CRRRAAACKKK! Harry and Joey move to the Hippiewagon, while Uncle Phil CRUMPLES. JOEY Y' just had to do that, didn't you? HARRY Uh-huh, see ya Phil! CUT TO: KYM'S PLACE Kym lies on the floor in a crumpled mess of Magazines. She is asleep, and her head faces one of the windows. A Silhouette (DONNY) scrambles past, her eyes snap open, and she instantly turns to the next window. Donny scrambles past in a mad frenzy. He turns to SNEAKERS, a big rat-like guy with big pink sneakers. They both hold H & K Automatics. DONNY Think she'll put up a fight? SNEAKERS She's a girl, damn it. Girls are too weak to fight. He goes round the corner of the building, and kicks the door open, ready for Action, but he sees Kym lying across the floor holding a Big Shotgun (not a pump action). BOOMF! She BLOWS HIM AWAY, and he CRASHES to the floor. KYM Damn I'm out! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Donny MACHINE-GUNS through the window, and Kym manages to BACKFLIP out of the hut/building, Donny meanwhile HURTLES through the window, and SPINS around-but Kym has gone round the other corner of the hut. CORNER OF HUT Clark appears and points a Silencer at her head. KYM Clark! You double-crossing Bastard! CRRRACCCKK! She kicks him straight in the bollocks, he drops the Silencer, and she manages to escape back into the house, Donny meanwhile is round the other side, and can't see her. CLARK Aaaggghh! DONNY Clark, what's wrong? CLARK Bitch kicked me in the bollocks, where's Sneakers. DONNY Spiteful little cow Shot him. Kym suddenly POPS round the corner, holding Sneakers' gun. KYM Call me a bitch? BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Donny just manages to dodge the bullets, but the last one just GRAZES Clark's elbow. Suddenly the Hippiewagon madly swerves into the driveway and CRRRRASSHES straight into the hut, CRUSHING HALF OF IT. KYM So you've got an army have you? Kym manages to use a bit of Acrobatics, and grabs hold of a spike which is on the side of the hut, she FLIPS UP and onto the roof, then she quickly stalks across the roof, then SOMERSAULTS onto the roof of the next building! Suddenly Uncle Phil pulls up in his Battered Corvette. UNCLE PHIL Guys! Ah came as soon as ah could! They're coming! Oh! They're here! Harry JUMPS out of the Hippiewagon, and with great difficulty pursues Kym. KYM Try an' catch me, loser boy! HARRY I will. Kym makes another daring jump, as Harry reaches the building she was just on, she blows a raspberry at him, but he is HOT ON HER TRAIL, and as she reaches another Building-roof, he ALMOST catches her. KYM Give up, kid. HARRY Kid? You calling me a kid? KYM I just said it, didn't I? HARRY Oh yeh. Kym reaches another roof, but finds that no other roofs surround it, she looks down at the busy road, 40 feet below. She turns round, Harry is right behind her. KYM Bye, fly-boy. HARRY Fly-boy? She JUMPS, with great ANGELIC GRACE, but as she prepares to FREEFALL, her TRAINER gets caught round a large Window ledge, and she is left dangling in space. KYM (Genuinely scared) Help! Help! Please let me down! PLEASE! HARRY Let you down? KYM I mean let me up! AAAAGGGGHHHHH! HARRY Okay, okay woman! Keep your hair on! CUT TO: HUT BULLETS ARE GOING THIS WAY, THAT WAY AND THE OTHER. Joey is ducked behind Phil's Corvette, while the Gangmen are opening fire on him, suddenly Joey gets an idea. He starts the Corvette, then lets it going FLYING AT THEM!!! CLARK IS CRUSHED, but the other two break free. While Uncle Phil manages to escape as does Donny, then run in different directions ROOFTOP Using his big arms Harry HAULS Kym, up and as he cuffs her, she lets out an awful moan of agony. KYM A man actually got me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HARRY What are you a lesbo or something? KYM For the Zillionth time! NO! FADE TO: S-T-O-R-Y F-O-U-R: "P-R-O-T-E-C-T-I-O-N" FADE TO: COLT'S OFFICE Harry and Joey sit in front of a pleased Colt (for once). COLT Harry, for once I can actually congratulate you on a job well done. HARRY Thanks, and for once I can complement you on a complement well said. COLT Harry, you're way too cocky for your own good, you little asshole. Anyway, Ms.McCullough is being handled by Officers Saventi and Butcher. So I think she's safe. HARRY What'll happen to her? COLT Well, she's gonna be in a Juvenile detention centre for a long time, a very long time. HARRY What about her hut like thing? COLT Ah, leddit perish. THUD! Everyone's startled, Wayne has walked into the door again, finally he STUMBLES into the room. COLT What is it now, you obnoxious clown. WAYNE Well ya'see sir. There's this (BLEEP) twat who's called for Police protection, his (BLEEP) name is (BLEEP) Uncle Phil Collins or somethin' like (BLEEP) that. He reckons that Biggy Mac is gonna (BLEEP) kill him or something. Harry gets up. JOEY Harry, where you goin'? HARRY Hmmm...Burger-boy and Phil...Phil and McCullough's would-be-abductors. I knew it...may I talk to this Collins guy, Commish? COLT Do whatever ya want with him, eat him. Fry him, bake him. Harry nods, then turns to Joey. HARRY Joe, ring Stephanie and tell her we're gonna be late for Dinner. C'mon Wayne, lead the way. WAYNE Well the fat (BLEEP)'s over 'ere. SPARE ROOM Harry and Uncle Phil sit in a dimly-light gloomy little room. HARRY C'mon Phil, tell me what I wanna hear. UNCLE PHIL (Scared) H...h...he's gonna...k...kill me! Oh Mr please h...help me. HARRY C'mon, Collins. I'll give you my hand in marriage if you tell me, let alone Protection! UNCLE PHIL Really? HARRY No...but still. UNCLE PHIL But you'll still protect me, right? HARRY Yes. Of course. Now c'mon out with it, or else it's Nutcracker time. UNCLE PHIL Well there's this guy I know called Jack Dowsers, a.k.a Biggy Mac. He's an old Has-been Hit man. He don't wanna be a has-been ya see, so him and some of his old Gangster buds, begin to plot a plan. Ah mean, they don't care if they live or die. So they decide to do something that is almost impossible, but where there's a will there's a way. So they decide to assassinate both The President and the Queen... HARRY Goldarn it! UNCLE PHIL ...As you know the Queen will be staying in the President's Chicago Mansion for two days on her great tour of the U.S.A. And with the help of Kym McCullough the only person capable of breaking in, they plan to do it. But of course now you've got her, they're gonna go to number two, Mandrake Lockman, he might just be able to pull it off, so if Ah were you ah'd go and do some'ing about it...now about ma protection. HARRY Right come along wimme'. COLT'S OFFICE Harry enters with Uncle Phil following. UNCLE PHIL Oh those dang Gangsters are go' get me! COLT What's this idiot goin' on about-I don't have time for you! Clear off! HARRY This guy needs protection, he's in deep trouble. COLT What's he ever done for us? HARRY Well, apart from tellin' us a dastardly plot. COLT What plot? HARRY Oh nothing much-JUST TO ASSASSINATE BOTH THE QUEEN AND THE PRESIDENT! Colt pauses for a minute, digests the information. HARRY'S FACE Waiting to see what the hell Colt's gonna say. Colt is about to say something, but he JUST BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. COLT Good one, you're real smart kid, but sorry I don't buy it. HARRY Damn it, Colt! I'm not lying. COLT It's commissioner to you. Anyway this fat tubba' lard is probably spittin' out shit, for his ears, eyes and mouth. HARRY Look at him, he's shiverin'. Colt turns to Uncle Phil, sure enough he is. But Colt shakes his head. UNCLE PHIL P...p...please s...s...sir. Colt tilts his head, and eyes Uncle Phil-who visibly trembles. HARRY C'mon...Colt. COLT Damn it! Damn...Harry, I know I'm gonna regret this and it's just for a laugh, but I'm gonna give you eight hours to come up with some evidence to back you up, then I'll help you on this thing, but I really don't believe it. HARRY And about Uncle Phil? COLT (Considers it) Sorry, Harry but we ain't got enough Officers for it. HARRY (Stands up) NO... COLT Okay, okay. Since you're so obsessed with him, you can take him with you. HARRY What I don't wanna be a Babysitter. COLT Well don't then, let the bastard die! UNCLE PHIL B...b...but you promised...! HARRY Okay, c'mon. COLT Eight hours, Harry. Startin' now! HARRY (As he and Phil exit) Say, Phil. D'you know anyone called Dwight Coleman? UNCLE PHIL Say, wasn't he gunned down by coppers? HARRY Not coppers just me. Anyway, d'you know him? UNCLE PHIL He was part of Biggy Mac's big job. HARRY What the assassination? UNCLE PHIL Oh nah! It was only when Coleman was Rubbed out, that Mac became pissed, and he...well...decided to do this. As they walk down the corridor, they pass Wayne, who is scowling wildly. HARRY Hey, Otto, have you seen Joey? WAYNE It's Wayne to you, junior. Yeh the (BLEEP)s (BLEEPING) Marsha off. Wayne walks on. UNCLE PHIL Who's Marsha? HARRY Hmmm? The receptionist. UNCLE PHIL Where's ya parents? HARRY I...err... UNCLE PHIL Oh have I hit a nerve? HARRY Missing. UNCLE PHIL Missin' a nerve? HARRY No...they went missing on a Skiing trip to the Swiss alps...I was put into an Orphanage, and...well won the competition...y'know to get the licence... t...then I came over here to the U.S.A, but d-don't talk about it. UNCLE PHIL Hmm. RECEPTION MARSHA STEADLE, is the pretty frizzy-haired receptionist, who is being annoyed by Joey. MARSHA Oh Harry! My night in shining armour! HARRY My teeth are the only things that're shiny! Joey laughs. JOEY So, wassup Harry? HARRY C'mon, I'll tell you on the way... CUT TO: HIPPIEWAGON Harry and Joey are in the front talking. BACK OF HIPPIEWAGON Uncle Phil is sitting in the back, just out of their view, he is playing with his Cell-phone, suddenly he sees something Blu-tacked to wall, it's got the Flat's address on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CLOSE ON: Uncle Phil's face, his eyes light up. CLOSE ON: His Cell-phone, he scrolls through the numbers, to "Biggy Mac". CUT TO: BIGGY MAC'S PLACE Biggy Mac stands in the darkness, semi-naked listening to the phone, looking very pleased. BIGGY MAC (Away from the phone he holds) Scotten, come here. Mr.Phil has redeemed himself. SMASH CUT TO: THE FLAT Stephanie stands in front of the freezer with a Cigarette in her mouth. Suddenly the door flies open, the guy in the room next door enters, this is MR. PATEL, a small middle-aged Arabian man. MR.PATEL 'Eh, Stupony. STEPHANIE STEPHANIE! MR.PATEL Is 'arry, o'roun? STEPHANIE Why? D'you need a hand with something, because I can stop my workout for a couple of minutes. MR.PATEL Workout? 'Ow can you haff a workout in tha' fe-ridge? STEPHANIE Don't push it, Mister! MR.PATEL If you will please come to my Apartment wiff' me, ah will show you. LANDING Stephanie and Mr.Patel exit the flat and go across a small Landing and into Mr.Patel's apartment. MR.PATEL'S PAD They enter Mr.Patel's modest rather posh apartment, he is a fifty-seven year old Bachelor, his past is a mystery, but he is a bit of an Asshole who thinks that just because Harry is a Cop it means he must do every little thing for him. STEPHANIE Nice place you got here. MR.PATEL Thank you, Miss Stephanie. STEPHANIE Just call me Stephanie. MR.PATEL And just call me Abdullah-madullah-spanduna. STEPHANIE Err... (Pause) I'll just stick with Mr.Patel. CUT TO: HARRY/JOEY AND STEPHANIE'S FLAT Scotten slowly FORCES the door open, holding a SILENCED REVOLVER in one hand. As he scouts the room for her, he finds Harry's box of stubby Cigarros, he helps himself to one, and uses Harry's limited edition "Elvis" Zippo to light it. SCOTTEN (Quietly) Come out, come out. Where ever you are? CUT TO: MR.PATEL'S APARTMENT MR.PATEL Now Ms.Stephanie... STEPHANIE Stephanie! MR.PATEL ...Stephanie, if you will come through 'ere, ah will show you. He comes up to a door, and pulls it open, a TERRIBLE STINK GREETS THEM. MR.PATEL I have done, tha' most cracking shit in tha' wata' co-loset. Would you please pull it out? CLOSE ON: Stephanie's face. She doesn't know how to act. Laugh or cry: SHE SLAPS HIM AS HARD AS SHE CAN, YEARS OF FURY ARE PUT INTO THAT SLAP, AND PATEL IS SENT HEAD OVER HEELS AND HIS HEAD GOES STRAIGHT INTO THE TOILET. THEN SHE GRABS THE HANDLE AND FLUSHES IT! MR.PATEL AAAAGGGGHHHH! Stephanie laughs as he exits. CUT TO: FLAT Stephanie enters, obviously pleased with herself. STEPHANIE I am great! (Dancing) Oh yeh! Oh yeh! She goes through into the kitchen, and notices the bathroom door. STEPHANIE Huh? She bends into the bathroom, no-one's there, as she steps out, Scotten JUMPS OUT FROM WHERE HE WAS HIDING (the fridge) and SMASHES HER ACROSS THE SKULL WITH THE SILENCER, SHE DROPS. STEPHANIE AAAAGGGGHHHH...UGH! CUT TO: PHONE BOOTH Harry and Joey are standing outside the phone booth. Uncle Phil is locked inside the Hippiewagon. A big black 6'4, 250 thug is in the phone booth. HARRY Damn it, we've been standing out here for fifteen bloody minutes, I have got to use the frickin' phonebook! JOEY Why don't we just buy one? HARRY I'm a tight bastard, I don't wanna buy something, If I can use it without paying. JOEY Mm, you gotta point. Although not a very strong one. HARRY Shuaddup! Pause. HARRY (Tapping on the glass) Hurry up in there, damn it! THUG (Down phone) (Sweet voice) Just wait a moment, Granny. (Angry voice) HEY! YOU LITTLE ASS-LICKIN' PUNK, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS DAMN PHONE BOOTH BEFORE I BUST YOUR BLOCK IN! (Sweet voice) ...What did you say Granny? Harry is still irate. HARRY Hurry up! SSSSSSMMMMMAAAASSSSHHHHHHH! HE PUNCHES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE GLASS, AND HITS HARRY IN THE JAW, HE GOES FLYING ACROSS THE ROAD AND INTO A BRICK WALL. Joey snickers. CRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAACK! HE GETS THE SAME. THUG (Sweet voice) Sorry about that, Granny love. I was just helping a sweet little up, she fell over in front of a car. Yes... bye Granny. The Thug hangs up, then waddles out of the Phone booth, as he passes Harry and Joey (both laid out)... THUG You can use it now, assholes! HARRY What a punk! (As he walks away) COME ON THEN! COME ON! The Thug comes THUNDERING after him, but Harry escapes into a small alley. TITLE ON SCREEN: FINALLY Harry and Joey are SQUASHED into the phone booth. Harry flicks through the phonebook. HARRY Doa...Dow...Dowsers. Here it is. There are Two Jack Dowsers and One J.Dowsers, I'll just write down their Addresses. CUT TO: HIPPIEWAGON Harry in the driver's seat, Joey next to him, Uncle Phil lurking in the back. HARRY First one is a Jack Dowsers living in Beetle Common. UNCLE PHIL (Quietly) Cold...ice cold. JOEY What was that? UNCLE PHIL Huh...oh...I was just thinking of a song. JOEY Which one. UNCLE PHIL "You're as cold as Ice" by, err...M.O.P. SOUNDTRACK: M.O.P "You're as cold as ice" Plays quietly. JOEY Here it is. HARRY Mmm, looks a bit of a shithole. JACK DOWSER'S HOUSE-LAWN Harry and Joey go up the driveway, as again Uncle Phil is locked in the back of the car. The house name is "SLUTS FARM". Harry raises an Eyebrow. Joey reaches the door and DINGS the doorbell. There's some loud THUMPS outside the door and loud Hip Hop music, Harry and Joey starting dancing. A fat old lady opens the door and sees them boogying. OLD LADY We don't want no carol singers. She is about to SLAM the door shut, but Joey stops her. OLD LADY What? JOEY We're police, may we speak to Jack Dowsers please. OLD LADY Yes, that's me. State yer business. HARRY Surely, Jack's a guy? OLD LADY Moi' name is Jacqueline, people call me Jack fer' short. HARRY Oh right, well sorry to bother you, Mrs.Dowsers. OLD LADY (As she SLAMS the door) An' 'is Miss! CUT TO: NEXT PLACE JOEY Okay, the last one didn't give us much luck, Phil-are you sure that you don't know where he is? UNCLE PHIL If ah did ah'd tell yer. (Quiet) Yeh...right. HARRY Joey, stay in here with Phil. I have a feeling he might just be less scared than we think. HOUSE NO.2-LAWN It's a rather shabby council house, outside there's an AMBULANCE, with the back doors open. As Harry reaches the door, two PARAMEDICS come out with a body in a Zipper-bag. HARRY Is that Jack Dowsers? PARAMEDIC Yes, he's left us now. HARRY (Interested) In suspicious circumstances? PARAMEDIC#2 No, it was from a heart-attack. HARRY How old was he? PARAMEDIC#1 Ninety-nine. Sir, may I ask why you want to know? HARRY No you can't. But thanks for the information. HIPPIEWAGON JOEY Was it him? HARRY (Strapping in) Nope, he had just left us. UNCLE PHIL Hurr...hurr...hurr, dun't look like you guys're havin' much luck? HARRY No, but if you'd just tell us which one it is. UNCLE PHIL I dun't know! I keep telling you! HARRY Don't gimme that "I don't know" bullshit, I know you do, now spit it out! JOEY He's not worth it Harry, c'mon, let's try the next one. PLACE NO.3 The car pulls up in front of a large house, which is isolated from the other houses, Uncle Phil nervously twitches in his seat-which tells us that maybe he does know something. Harry and Joey get out, and lock Uncle Phil in, as they go out of sight, he takes out his mobile. CUT TO: LAWN Harry and Joey head across the lawn of the house, and find some deckchairs, they have names on them: BIGGY, DEREK, VITO, DONNY, SNEAKERS, ROD, PHIL, DWIGHT, MARTIN. Sneakers and Dwight's chairs are broken. JOEY One of them has the name Biggy on it. INSIDE Biggy Mac sits in his dark room, meditating. The phone rings, he ignores it and continues to be in deep meditation. It keeps going and going, till he STAMPS on it, CRUSHING IT. Then he gets to his feet, he has been interrupted from Meditation, he goes over to the window, and glances out, BOLLOCKS! Harry and Joey are coming up the yard, he knows who they are, instantly. BIGGY MAC Dec! Scotten rushes in, he is holding his Silenced Revolver. SCOTTEN What's wrong, Jack? BIGGY MAC It's them. SCOTTEN Uht-oh! BIGGY MAC Get the broad outa here, I'll contend with these two. DARK ROOM NO.2 Scotten hurries in, Stephanie is on a chair, tied, gagged and crying. Scotten wipes a tear from her cheek. SCOTTEN So bad to see such a happy girl like yourself crying. STEPHANIE Mrphh...rmprrhhh...dpdsfgfd Scotten SMACKS her in the side of the face with his open-palm and she falls to the floor, crying. SCOTTEN Don't mess with me girlie, now c'mon. He grabs her off the floor and drags her out, even though she kicks and screams. LAWN Harry and Joey are pacing around waiting for someone to answer the door, finally Biggy answers it. BIGGY MAC Hello? Do I know you? HARRY (Shows him his badge) We're police. BIGGY MAC What's the problem, officer? HARRY What's your name? BIGGY MAC J...Jack Dowsers, why? L...listen what is this all about? HARRY Mind if we come in? BIGGY MAC W... JOEY C'mon, Harry. Let's go. It's obviously not him. HARRY Mmmmm... The two turn away and head down the driveway. S-T-O-R-Y F-I-V-E: "K-I-D-N-A-P-P-E-D!" FADE TO: COLT'S OFFICE Harry stands in front of Colt, and has just explained what has happened. Colt, as usual is digesting the info. HARRY So what now? COLT I'm not sure. CUT TO: RECEPTION Joey is at his favourite hobby, annoying Marsha. She is trying to play on a game boy. JOEY And y'know, she looks and me, and says "Like, forget it, Joseph..." I mean don't you hate it when somebody always calls you by your full name? MARSHA Whatever, say have you ever used one of these? JOEY Me? Nah, I hate technology. Never could get round to usin' it, I can just about turn a computer on, after kicking it a few times, of course. MARSHA (Sarcastic) Naturally. That's the way with you, Joey, all muscle no brawn. JOEY Don't you mean, all muscle no Brain? MARSHA Oh, yeh. JOEY Damn it, woman. You're CUCKOO, up here. Suddenly the phone rings. MARSHA Now shut up. (Answers) Hello? Yes...what...no... Right...we'll send a squad-car over there right away. She hangs up. JOEY Who was that? MARSHA Some Arabian guy, from the Beetle block flats, he reckoned some broad had been kidnapped and there was a note. JOEY (Alarmed) Which flat number was he? MARSHA No.33, I think. JOEY I'll be on it! DAMN THAT'S STEPHANIE! He bolts out of the door and down the parking-lot, before Marsha can even move. MARSHA Phew, that's him gone. PRISON CELLS Kym sits in her cell, all alone. Sitting with her back to the wall, considering her position. Harry enters, quietly. KYM Oh, it's the big-mouthed Detective. HARRY Kym...you don't mind if I call you that, do you? KYM Call me whatever you want, as long as you piss off. HARRY That's an antisocial comment. KYM And that's a stupid comment. HARRY So, in an hour's time you'll be transferred to Yards dale. KYM What's that? HARRY Biggest and the strictest Juvenile Detention centre in the whole of America. KYM (Sarcastic) Ooooh...scary. HARRY Tell me your version of what happened, please. KYM Like, why should I? HARRY (Mimicking) Because, like, you should. KYM Okay, So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when I see someone's head appear at the window, next thing I know he's there pointing a gun at me, so I shoot him with my only round, then I get outside-two of them are shouting at me, trying to get me to do something for them, then suddenly the filth...you...appears, and I'm caught. HARRY What were they asking you? KYM How the hell am I meanna know? I just legged it. VOICE (Posh) And now for today's headlines, the Queen has arrived in Chicago a day early, and is now travelling with the President to his Chicago Mansion. Where she will be staying for two, now three days. Harry straightens up. HARRY Bollocks! Shit and Bollocks! I'll be back. KYM That's what The Terminator said, seconds before being Killed. HARRY Mmmm.... (Pause) But he did come back. Harry exits and locks the door. RECEPTION Harry enters. HARRY Marsha, you haven't seen Joey or Phil have you? MARSHA Joey left twenty minutes ago, but who's Phil? HARRY Plump, middle aged. J.T Stetson hat? MARSHA Him...oh I saw him leave with two guys, I asked them who they were, and one of them said his name was Vito, or something like that. -FLASHBACK- CLOSE ON: BIGGY MAC'S LAWN, A DECKCHAIR SAYING VITO! AND A DECKCHAIR SAYING PHIL!!!!!!!!!!!!! BACK TO: RECEPTION HARRY If Joey's gone in my car, may I borrow a Squad car. MARSHA Sure, it's parked next to the Commissioner's car. She hands him some keys. HARRY Thanks, Marsha you're a darling! PARKING-LOT Harry runs up to a small Police Peugeot, and unlocks it. HARRY (Before he gets in) It's just not me! SO... PEUGOT Harry is trundling down the road, as fast as he can in this rusting old tin can, this could be the crucial part of this case, and if all things go well, he might just be able to save the Queen and The President. SOUNDTRACK: "Video killed the radiostar".' Harry is nodding his head to the music, but the Director shouts at him. DIRECTOR (V.O) No! Don't, Harry's not meanna be able to hear the soundtrack! HARRY Sorreeee! (Pause) Will we have to take that scene again? DIRECTOR Forget it. A guy wildly driving a big rig, TWISTS into Harry's way. He BIBS the horn, but the driver just gives him the finger. Harry goes MAD and RAMS straight into the back of the Big rig, but only succeeds in CRUSHING the front of his car, but he ignores that and races on. CUT TO: BIGGY MAC'S PAD Harry SCREECHES to a dangerous halt in front of the two big gates, which are open. He runs through them, and looks at the deckchairs, sure enough he was right. Vito and Phil are two of the names. He runs towards the House, ignoring the howling wind and the torrential rain, what a day! When he reaches the door he knocks on it, slowly. FLAT Joey stands in the flat, holding a piece of paper in his hands. CLOSE ON: THE PIECE OF PAPER "If you ever wanna see the broad again, bring Five thousand to the Scrapyard 4.15 P.M, Dead on". JOEY Mmm, Five thousand. That it, better keep this to myself. He picks up the phone and dials a number. JOEY Hi, Marsha, it's me-Joey. Yeh...yeh...ssh... Tell Harry that I'll be late home. Bye. He hangs up. Then takes his wallet out of his back-pocket, then he opens a drawer, and takes out a silver Briefcase, are we gonna see a "Dirty Harry" scene? SMASH CUT TO: The door pulls open, Donny stands there. DONNY (Recognizes him, but doesn't let on) What's wrong with you? HARRY May I come in? DONNY (Thinks) I...um...err... Harry pushes his way in, and goes through the long hall of the big house, they reach a long round table. Donny leans over the table. HARRY So who're you? DONNY John, err, John Silver. HARRY Did I see you here last time I came? DONNY Nope. Suddenly Harry takes out a Big swiss-army knife, and pins Donny's tie to the table, then pulls it, throttling him. HARRY ...Just like I didn't see a lot of things, now spit it out, Vito. DONNY Cough...cough...it's D....Donny... HARRY You'll be called Vito if I want you to be. VOICE What the hell's goin' on? Harry WHIPS round and sees, MARTIN, one of Biggy Mac's pals, Martin is shocked. MARTIN Who's this stoo'pid kid, Donny? DONNY Cough, splutter...M...M...Mart...Cough...help! Martin takes out his gun, a 357. MAGNUM, but Harry SPINS ROUND as quick as a Jackrabbit, he has no time to bring out his gun, but he downs Martin with an AXE KICK. But as he tries to turn, Martin gets up and grabs him round the throat, Harry struggles with much more muscular guy, both of them are struggling, Harry's gun falls from it's holster. Martin kicks it under some lockers, Donny meanwhile undoes his top button, and YANKS his tie off, he clutches his FLAMING throat for a minute, then turns to Martin, who has his open palm in Harry's face. Pressing him to the wall. DONNY CHARGES, LETTING OUT A WILD WAR SCREAM, HARRY KICKS THE 357. IN THE AIR, AND IT SMASHES DONNY IN THE MOUTH, KNOCKING OUT TWO OF HIS TEETH, HE CRASHES TO THE GROUND. SUDDENLY HARRY BACKHANDS MARTIN IN THE FACE, THEN IN THE BOLLOCKS, THEN HE KNEES MARTIN IN THE BOLLOCKS, THEN DOES A LITTLE JIG, BEFORE SMASHING MARTIN IN THE FACE WITH HIS FOREARM. But Martin still struggles up, and comes at Harry. HARRY Oh yeh! Let's Rock (Punches Martin) ...And roll! Martin shoves his fingers in both of Harry's ribs, and gives him an "Electric Shock", Both of them fall to the ground, locked in mad combat. Harry's head bounces off the wall, and he is dazed. Martin gets to his feet and STUMBLES over to his 357., he picks it up, and TRAINS it on Harry, a GUMMY Donny Picks himself up from the floor. DONNY Lemme shot 'im, Marty. He makes an almost Drunken move for the gun, and accidentally KNOCKS it FLYING from Martin's hand. MARTIN Idiot! Harry SHOOTS across the floor, like a SPEEDING BULLET, and grabs the 357... BLAM! BLAM! He shoots both Martin and Donny, Martin COLLAPSES dead, but Donny grabs Harry's .44. BLAM! Harry throws a CHAIR into Donny's gunhand, Donny loses his aim, and Harry rolls across the floor, firing. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Donny is BLOWN BACKWARDS and FALLS next to Martin, also dead. Harry gets up and throws the 357. on the floor, then picks up his seasoned Revolver. HARRY Never liked Automatics. (Puts the 357. in his pocket) Then again, this baby saved me. He holsters the .44, and looks around. If there was anyone else there, they would've come when they heard the shots and the shouting. HARRY Now let's see what I can find. Suddenly the Phone rings. HARRY Hello? BIGGY MAC Who's this...Gimme' Donny or Marty. HARRY Kiss my ass, Burger-boy. They're dead, and I'm gonna SLAP THE BAP on you next! BIGGY MAC Wait till I get hold a' you, you scumbag! Harry hangs up, and: BLAM! Blows the phone to shit. Then he turns round and finds a Computer. He clicks the mouse to get it off screensaver. Then he goes to "My documents". And looks at some of the files. He finds one called "Soodle-Noodle". Harry's brow raises, and he CLICKS on it, some pictures come up, he looks at a preview of one, and sees a Porn Star, who's showing more than half of her body... He is about to click on another picture, when a Devil Harry and an Angel Harry appear above him. DEVIL HARRY G'on, Har, look at 'em. Who's gonna know? HARRY What d'you think, Angel? ANGEL HARRY You know what I'm gonna say. Harry shrugs and clicks the BACK icon, then he finds something saying OP. He clicks on it, and it comes up with info on Operation XX-50. HARRY (His eyes light up) Ah-ha! He clicks the PRINT icon, two pages begin to Print out. ALPHONSE (V.O) Hands up! I say! Hands up! HARRY (Twirls round) Who're you? Alphonse the butler is there holding an Elephant-Rifle. ALPHONSE Hands up! HARRY Hands up? Where your parents Hippies or something? ALPHONSE Ha, ha. Very funny! Hands up! HARRY Will you stop repeating yourself. Who are you, c'mon, out with it? ALPHONSE Alphonse Gilbert. HARRY And who's he, when he's at home? ALPHONSE Me! HARRY So you're Biggy Mac? ALPHONSE What are you babbling on about? HARRY What I want to. Now, drop the bloody gun. ALPHONSE HANDS UP! HARRY Will you shut up! Takes out his gun. HARRY Hands up, hands up, hands up, hands up, hands up...see how annoying it gets? ALPHONSE Okay, okay. I give in! He drops the gun. Harry holsters his gun. ALPHONSE Cup of coffee? HARRY Yes, please. Two sugars, milky. Alphonse PLODS off. HARRY Say...where's Bigster? ALPHONSE Does one mean, Master Dowsers? HARRY Yeh. ALPHONSE He's out, talking to Master Scotten. HARRY Right, don't tell him I called. ALPHONSE I won't, would one like a Chocolate digestive with that? HARRY Two please. The printer finishes it's job. Harry pulls the paper out, then picks up a Baseball Bat and: CRRRRAAAACCCCCCKKKK! He CRUSHES the screen with three hits of the Baseball bat. ALPHONSE What was that? HARRY Nothing. TEN MINUTES LATER Harry emerges from the house looking pleased with himself, then he gets into the Squad-car and pulls out of the yard. FADE TO: FLAT Joey is dressed in a Camouflage vest, and Headband, with ripped Camouflage trousers, he puts his BERETTA in a piece of tape, and STICKS it to his back (Die hard anyone?). Then he puts a big chunky light green waistcoat on over it. Then he zips it up and grabs the briefcase, he looks at his watch, "3.50". He smiles and exits the Flat, after looking up. JOEY Stephanie, I'm comin' to get'cha. CUT TO: PRESIDENT'S MANSION-LOUNGE The President and the Queen sit in the lounge, the Queen sips some tea and the President is GUZZLING down bottle, after bottle of VODKA. PRESIDENT Queenie, let's get it on. CRRRAAACCCKKK! She slaps him across the face. THE PRESIDENT Whoa! She wants me! Yeh! MINIBUS Biggy Mac, Vito, Rod, a small wiry ex-hitman, Mandrake Lockman, a tall, thin Burglar, nearly as agile as Kym. Three other of Biggy Mac's Hitmen pals, BOSVIC, LUCAS and DAVE. POLICE STATION-PARKING LOT Harry pulls the car up, and gets out. He looks at the Piece of Paper, it says XX-50 will commence at "5.50". His watch says "4.10" HARRY (Thinking) Hmm, can't be bothered to piss around with Colt, I think I'd better just sort this shit out, myself. But if I'm gonna break into the Grounds of that High-security Mansion, I'm gonna need someone who can do it...Mmmm...Like a CAT BURGLAR. CUT TO: RECEPTION Marsha greets Harry. MARSHA Oh, Hi Harry. Um, Joey said he'd be late home. HARRY Right, can you gimme the keys to Kym McCullough's cell? MARSHA Oh, you're too late Harry. They're now loading her into a Security Van outside. HARRY Shit! PARKING-LOT Harry charges out, and sees a Security van SLOWLY TRUNDLING PAST. HARRY STOP! WAIT! He begins LEGGING it after the Van, a car comes at him, but he FLIPS over the bonnet, he manages to get level with the back of the Van, and waves his hands at Kym. She just FLIPS HIM THE BIRD. The Van stops at a Red Light, and Harry easily catches up taking LONG STRIDES with his short legs. He pulls up with the drivers and waves at them to stop, but they both FLIP HIM THE BIRD. HARRY It's this national "Stick your Finger up at Harry" day or somethin'! (Thinks) I've always wanted to do this! CRRRRAAAAAACCCKKKKKKK! He SMASHES through the window with his elbow and pulls the door open he GRABS THE PASSENGER AND TOSSES HIM INTO THE ROAD. DRIVER Why you, lil... He recognizes him as the Thug from the Phone booth. HARRY Here's one for me! POWWWWWWWW! He cracks The Thug in the jaw, then KICKS him out of the Door, and he HITS THE ROAD, Harry shuts both doors and ACCELARATES, both men jump up at the doors, like Zombies off "Dawn of the Dead". But Harry reverses, and their hands SCRATCH down the side of the van. HARRY Kym, I need your help this is really important. (Thinking) Damn she's hot. KYM (Flips him the bird) Get bent, Harrold. HARRY Actually my name is just Harry. KYM Whatever. What'cha gonna do, Smart Alec. HARRY Would you like, say, A billion dollars? Kym's eyes light up. KYM I do anything for that amount, (pause) Apart from Shag you, of course. HARRY Of course. (Thinks) Damn! KYM I bet you'd never be able to give me that much, scum-ass. HARRY Scum-ass, that's new. CUT TO: SCRAPYARD The hippiewagon pulls up in front of the scrapyard, and Joey gets out, holding the briefcase. Suddenly some lights flick on. Derek Scotten stands in front of a Reno, which has Stephanie, bound, gagged and tied in it, she kicks and screams. SCOTTEN Ah Mister Forbes, so you came. Steph here, said you would. Hurr...hurr...hurr, you look a lively lad. JOEY Look here's the money, now gimme the girl. SCOTTEN Bring it over here. Joey slowly walks towards him, he gulps. SCOTTEN And no Monkey-Business, or else Lloyd up there gets to Crush little Steph's guts. A big guy, Lloyd sits in the tower of a CAR-CRUSHER, the Reno is under it. The Claw of it slowly goes down and Closes round the Reno. JOEY Hey! SCOTTEN Don't worry, I'm just making sure there's no tricks. Joey hands the Briefcase to Scotten, who takes it. Joey goes to the Reno, but Scotten stops him. SCOTTEN Aht-ah! He opens the Briefcase and BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! IT BLOWS UP IN HIS FACE, SCOTTEN'S FAT BODY IS SPLATTERED ALL OVER THE RENO. STEPHANIE SCREAMS, LLYOD IMMEDIATLEY PICKS UP HER CAR. BUT JOEY TEARS OFF HIS WAISTCOAT, AND RIPS HIS BERETTA OUT. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! He shoots Lloyd, and he drops through the window and into the crusher, dead. But the Reno is lifted further and further towards the Crusher, Joey rushes around and panics. JOEY What do I do, what do I do! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! HE FIRES WILDLY, SPINNING AROUND. THE RENO GETS CLOSER TO THE CRUSHER, BUT ONE SINGLE BULLET HITS VITAL MECHINERY AND IT CEASES...JUST LIKE THAT! Joey can breath again. JOEY That's good, but how do I get her out? CUT TO: VAN KYM Right, so let me think about this. You want me to help you break into the President's high-security mansion? HARRY Sounds Crazy, doesn't it? KYM Yeh. But I'll do it... HARRY For me? KYM Oh no, no, no. For the thrill of it, hopefully this Burger-guy will blow your head clean off your shoulders. HARRY How nice. KYM Where are you going? HARRY To the bloody mansion, of course. Where d'you expect me to go? Bollywood? KYM Well no, we have to go to my hut! HARRY Why, d'you need to sort out your hair, in case you might scare the wall that your climbing over? KYM Well that, and getting my stuff. HARRY Damn it! Hurry the hell up! COLT'S OFFICE Wayne RUSHES in. WAYNE Oh holy (BLEEP) you're never gonna believe this, but Harry's gone round the (BLEEP) twist now, he's nicked a (BLEEP) Security Van and run off with a Prisoner. COLT I know where he's gone, Lil' Bastard. C'mon Wayne, get some Back-up. I'm gonna kick some ass. WAYNE But sir, you haven't (BLEEP) used your gun in twenty years, ever since you (BLEEP) accidentally shot that (BLEEP) innocent kid twenty years ago. COLT Well it's gonna be used. He takes out a .38 Colt Detective Special Revolver, and sticks some rounds into the chamber. COLT Well go on then, set this bloody thing up. CUT TO: HUT Harry is sitting in the Security Van, while Kym is fiddling around in her hut. She comes out in a fetching black costume. And a utility belt. VAN Kym gets in. HARRY Damn you look sexy. She slaps him hard. HARRY What you do! KYM D'you want me to slap you again? HARRY Not really, but I always like it when sexy people touch me...err...I mean girls. She goes to slap him, but... KYM No I wouldn't give you the satisfaction. Harry checks his watch, "5.39". HARRY Bollocks! He PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN, Kym is BOUNCED around in the back. HARRY Always belt up. KYM I'd like you to belt you mouth up. HARRY As I said before you'll never get very far speaking like that to people! KYM (Flips him the bird) Oh well. Harry clenches his fists. HARRY I hate people like that. OUTSIDE PRESIDENT'S MANSION It's dark now and raining heavily. The Van pulls up yards away from it. Two F.B.I bodyguards stand outside. HARRY Do your stuff. Kym spins round. Two loud POPS. Harry blinks. HARRY Well do something then! Both F.B.I guys DROP. HARRY Oh right sorry. KYM Doesn't look like there's any sign of your friends. HARRY They'll be here, don't worry. Anyway, hurry up. Kym pulls out a small gun from her belt, aims and: POP! Two PLUNGERS fly out and hit the wall of the Mansion, then she SHOOTS up, over the wall, over the gardens, then she presses a button of a small Remote control. All of the Cameras are now blocked. HARRY WHAT ABOUT ME! KYM (Mumbling) Hmmmpff...Men. She fires another Gun at Harry and he is SHOT next to her, Harry grabs hold of the roof and pulls himself up and onto the roof, Kym is behind him. HARRY Now what? Kym fits on two special gloves and two special shoes, Plungers come out on them. Then like Spiderman she crawls down the wall, very slowly and surely, Harry lowers himself down onto the nearest windowsill, and is about to kick it, but Kym stops him. He pays heed, then she takes out another gun and fires a Plunger at it. POP! She yanks it back and the whole window-pane comes off, she hands it to Harry, he places it silently on the roof, then Kym swings in followed by Harry. ROOM Two F.B.I bodyguards are shocked to see them, Kym ROUNDHOUSE KICKS the first in the chest, Harry blocks No.2's punch, then elbows him to the floor. Kym surveys the area, this is the room where the monitors are. HARRY This is my field. He takes out the 357., which has a silencer on it. CHOW! CHOW! CHOW! After a few more shots, he SMASHES all the Monitors. HARRY Security-out! The door opens and another F.B.I agent enters. F.B.I AGENT Huh? Wassis'? CRAACK! Kym gives him a HUM-DINGER to the bollocks, something he'll never forget. HARRY You are a sexy mover. KYM Shut up, pee-Brain. LOUNGE Two F.B.I agents stand round The President. Suddenly ROD and LUCAS burst in. AGENT#1 Get down Misser' President. BLAM! BLAM BLAM He fires, but Rod is quicker, and the Agent drops dead. The President bolts for it. Agent#2 BLOWS Rod away, and SHOOTS LUCAS IN THE FACE. Rod and Lucas land dead at the President's feet. PRESIDENT EVACUATE! He SMASHES the fire-alarm with his elbow, and a fierce RING vibrates through the Mansion, people are running this way, that way and the other. CUT TO: Harry heading through a large corridor, suddenly something LUNGES at him, he twists round, Gun ready, but a dead Assassin (BOSVIC) is at his feet, he's been knifed in the ribs. Down the corridor are about three more dead F.B.I agents. HARRY I'm the only one who's alive down here. DAVE (V.O) Not true! Harry whizzes round, and is met by DAVE, small round but tough, Dave throws an MP5 in his face. DAVE Oh! It's the kid! Drop your weapon! Harry stares into Dave's cold, meanful eyes. Harry realizes that he means it, Dave speaks into a small Walkie-Talkie which hangs off a belt, which comes down from his shoulder to his hip. DAVE (Walkie-Talkie) Jack, I got the kid. BIGGY MAC (V.O) Ah-ha, is he secured? DAVE Yep, he ain't goin' nowhere. Falconsmith out. HARRY Falconsmith? What kinda dumbass name is that? DAVE My name's Smith, right? And my favourite bird is a Falcon. HARRY And what's Biggy Mac's? DAVE Biggy Mac, of course! NOW MOVE! Harry BACKKICKS Dave in the shin and he loses his balance, but CRACKS Harry in the face, Harry BANGS his head on the wall, but keeps his balance, he manages to KICK the MP5 from his hands, it falls, firing still. BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM Dave kicks Harry in the shoulder, and he TOPPLES over and FALLS down the stairs, taking Dave with him, both of them lie Crumpled at the foot of the stairs. Dave manages to struggle up. He crawls up the stairs to get his gun, but Harry kicks at him, he misses and kicks the banister. HARRY Aaaagh! Bollocks! The railing suddenly becomes uneasy and ROLLS across the stairs, CRACKING Dave on the stairs, Dave rolls back down again. And Harry STRUGGLES with him, both of them fight, until Dave rolls into an open elevator. Harry JUMPS and Taps the "SHUT" button, just as Dave's hand sticks out of the elevator holding a gun, and tries to shoot Harry, the doors SNAP-SHUT on it, almost severing it. The elevator goes straight down at 100 MPH. CLOSE ON: Harry's face, as we hear a CRACK. Dave's arm rolls at his feet. In the arm is Dave's Walkie-Talkie, Harry grabs it and FLICKS it on. HARRY Yo! Burger. BIGGY MAC Damn it, kid. Don't you ever give up messing with me? Just piss outa the door. HARRY No, thanks. I'd rather mess up your life. BIGGY MAC Listen, Kid. Just go see a movie. I'll give ya the money, if ya want. HARRY Look, I'm gonna get you. Dave's departed with us...or at least with his arm. BIGGY MAC Where is he? HARRY Well, I'm an Arm away from him. Laughs. Screaming in the background. HARRY What's that? BIGGY MAC Ha. Ha. Ha. We just got your girl, what'cha gonna do now, Lone Sheriff. Long Pause. HARRY Yippie-yay-yai, dickhead! And have a nice day. He chucks the Transmitter on the floor and STAMPS on it. HARRY Anyone who messes with me, gets it! GROUNDS The grounds are a mass of Officers, they're waiting for the S.W.A.T team, Commissioner Colt Easton, Joey Forbes and Wayne are the only officers we can recognize. The Queen, The President and F.B.I agent#2 are being led into an Ambulance. For a check-up, they're the only ones who got out...alive. JOEY Can't we just go the hell in there? COLT Listen Joey! We have to wait for the goldarn S.W.A.T team. JOEY F the S.W.A.T team, I'm going in. COLT Joey... Joey turns back for a second: POW! Colt WHACKS him in the face, and Joey CRASHES out. COLT ...Sorry. WAYNE Nice one! (BLEEP) hell, Joey..., he turns round and POW! Whoa! What a (BLEEP) move! POW! Colt knocks him out, too. Colt snatches a Megaphone of a passing officers. COLT (Megaphone) TERRORISTS! PLEASE LET ALL YOUR HOSTAGES OUT AND YOUR RANSOM WILL BE MET! BIGGY MAC (Shouting) WE DON'T WANT MONEY! WE WANT DEATH! He chucks a Bodyguard's dead body out the window. COLT (Megaphone) HARRY! IF YOU'RE IN THERE GET OUT! THOSE GUYS ARE LUNATICS! GET OUT! GET THE HELL OUT! Harry's head pops out of a top floor window. HARRY SORRY COMMISH, I'M GONNA GET THE GIRL! COLT DAMN IT! HARRY, I'LL...I'LL... HARRY YOU'LL WHAT?...PLUCK THE HAIRS OUTA MY NOSE? Harry's head pops back in. BLAM! Suddenly a Bullet SMASHES through a top-floor window, where Biggy is, and BLOWS AWAY the officer next to Colt. COLT EVERYONE GET DOWN! Joey comes round. POW! But Colt knocks him back down again, with a good left-hook. CUT TO: CORRIDOR Harry RUNS up the stairs, with a new reinforced power, he grabs his Magnum .44 and checks the Chamber, two rounds. He loads it with a Speedloader. Then he checks the 357., there's about ten bullets. He has no more ammo, so he'll stick to the 44. HARRY I'm comin', Mac. And I'm gonna Whup yo' ass! He looks round for the MP5, but can't find it. Ah, well. He keeps the Magnum .44 right in front of him. There's a noise, he turns round. A body falls through a FIRE EXIT. HARRY Huh? The body is still alive. HARRY Are you okay? BODY Yeh, who're you? HARRY Detective Sergeant Harry Carter, who're you? BODY Clive Mendez, the Chef. HARRY I kinda guessed that from the hat, if you know what I mean. CLIVE Oh bollocks, I feel like hell. HARRY What happened to you? CLIVE Well I heard shots, and tried to escape, but got lost up here, then some big black guy shot me in the back, It was only a Graze, I think he's right behind me. HARRY Where? CLIVE I don't know, I can't turn around. Harry pushes him out of the way, and opens the FIRE EXIT. He looks down another long hall, but no-one's there. Clive struggles to his feet. CLIVE Ah, I feel much better. HARRY Can you use a gun? CLIVE Just about. Harry takes out the 357. Magnum, he hands it to Clive, who takes it, POPS the magazine out. CLIVE Ten rounds. HARRY You do know how to handle one! CLIVE Ex-army. I was in the gulf. HARRY Oh, now ya tell me. CLIVE What'choo gonna do, Harry? HARRY I wish I knew. My girl's been kidnapped by them. You got a family? CLIVE Yeh, a wife and two girls. He shows him a wallet-photo of Clive, his wife and two little five year olds. HARRY G'on, get outa here. CLIVE You kiddin'? HARRY No, why should I be? CLIVE I'm gonna help ya, this jackasses killed some a' my friends, I wanna get back at them. HARRY Listen, I can't let a family man get killed. CLIVE I wanna fight. HARRY C'mere. LUXURY-BEDROOM Harry and Clive enter an empty bedroom, the Queen's room. Harry looks around and finds a coil of thick string. HARRY C'mon, tie it round ya waist. CLIVE No way. Harry does it for him. Then Harry goes towards the window. He flings it open. HARRY COLT, I GOT A SURVIVOR UP HERE. I'M GONNA LOWER HIM DOWN. COLT (MEGAPHONE) THEN WILL YOU LOWER YOURSELF DOWN? Pause. HARRY JUST BE READY. CLIVE I ain't goin'! WHA-POW! Harry knocks him out, then begins to lower him down. HARRY BE READY! QUIET ROOM Biggy Mac and Mandrake Lockman stand in the small room, it is bare, apart from a chair, a bookcase and some tables. Kym is bound, gagged and tied in a chair. Lockman stands over her with a GLOCK 7. Biggy Mac peers out of the window. BIGGY MAC (Really pissed) Oh no! That annoying Kid never gives up. BIGGY MAC'S P.O.V He sees Clive slowly being lowered down, a mat has been set down for him. Biggy Mac grabs his own weapon, a Huge high-powered Rifle, he shoves a Magazine in, and Aims through the Scope. BIGGY MAC'S P.O.V THROUGH THE SCOPE He closes in on Clive, the CROSSHAIRS are on his forehead. BIGGY MAC (V.O) Why it's my old Gulf buddy, Sgt. Mendez. Ah well! BLAM! Clive gets a round in the leg, he shakes badly. BIGGY MAC Damn, my aiming's getting worse by the minute! SCOPE He targets the rope. BLAM! The rope gets it-INSTANTLY SNAPS. Clive wakes up, screaming and clutching his bloody leg. CLIVE'S HOUSE His two little daughters, PRINCESS and LILY are watching the news, there is a close up of Clive falling. LILY Mummy, Daddy's falling out of a window with a bullet in the leg. MRS.MENDEZ Don't tell stories, Lil. PRINCESS No, it's true, Mummy! MRS.MENDEZ (Sees it) AAAAGGGGHHHH! MY CLIVE! BACK TO: GROUNDS Clive falls SCREAMING, but the skilled Fireman move the MAT, Clive HITS it, bounces then comes to a rest. CLIVE (LOUD) HARRY! GOD BLESS YOU MAN! GOD BLESS YOU! BLAM! Biggy Mac fires a shot at Clive, but it misses, the S.W.A.T team arrive. Biggy Mac ducks back into the Quiet room. QUIET ROOM Biggy Mac turns to Lockman. BIGGY MAC Be ready. KYM Mmmrphh...mrrrff... BIGGY MAC (Walkie Talkie) Vitamin-VTEC, come in. Come in. VITO (V.O) Boss, what's wrong? BIGGY MAC Bring the Chopper 'round to the roof, pick us up. VITO Right. Be there in a tick. KYM Mrrpphh...Mrphh...Help! LOCKMAN Shut up, bitch. Lockman unties Kym, and pulls her up, she struggles. But Lockman SMACKS her in the face with his open palm, she screams. BIGGY MAC You ain't a gentleman, 'ey Mandrake? LOCKMAN Nah, I'm more of a man-man, myself. BIGGY MAC Join the club. Suddenly they hear the noise of a chopper. Then a voice. S.W.A.T COMMANDER (V.O) I AM COMMANDER HARRIS OF THE S.W.A.T TEAM WE ARE NOW ENTERING THE BUILDING, PLEASE SURRENDER OR ELSE WE WILL BE FORCED TO KILL YOU! Lockman SMASHES the window with his ELBOW, and pulls himself onto the roof, still holding Kym. Biggy Mac is about to follow suit. But Harry bursts in, tired and bloody but still there. He aims his gun at Mac. BIGGY MAC So long, Harold. Just for a second, two arch enemies stare each other in the eye, before Lockman drags Dowsers onto the roof, immediately Harry holsters his .44, he is about to follow when he notices Kym's utility belt, he puts it on, then pulls himself up. ROOF Harry pulls himself up, just as Biggy Mac gets into the Chopper, he waves at Harry, but Harry flips him the Bird, then jumps for the Railing off the chopper, but misses. BIGGY MAC Oh, Harry, I hope you'll like the bombs I set in the place, I mean the bombs that are about to blow any second now! The chopper flies away, and Harry hears a loud ticking noise. HARRY Bollocks! He suddenly remembers the Utility belt, he finds one of Kym's guns, and fires off a hurried shot, it hits a GIANORMOUS oak, that is growing in the grounds, Harry holds on tight and: SLOW MOTION HARRY SWINGS ACROSS THE GROUNDS, AND AWAY FROM THE MANSION AS IT EXPLODES IN FLAMES, ALL THE OFFICERS ONLY JUST ESCAPE ALMOST CERTAIN DEATH. HARRY HITS THE TRUNK OF THE OAK HARD, AND SLIDES DOWN IT. SLOW MOTION OFF Joey approaches Harry. JOEY Harry? You hanging it there? HARRY Ugh...it takes more'n that to bring me down. He looks around and sees the Chopper flying into the distance. HARRY Damn burger-boy got clean away! JOEY Nah, our boys'll get him. HARRY No, he's got away now. I blew my chance. JOEY So what? She was only a jewel thief. HARRY Piss off, I...I think I loved her. JOEY Harry, you need to wake up to the world. She didn't love you. HARRY I know. I know. Still I'm gonna hunt till my dying day for that jackass! COLT Harry, I want you to give me your badge. HARRY (Hands him the Badge) Go ahead, take it away. Colt takes it away, then hands it back. HARRY No, you take it. COLT Harry, I can see in your eye's that you want that woman back, so go. Find her. HARRY She's probably dead-what's the point? COLT No-one's dead till you see the body. And anyway, It don't hurt when you're dead. HARRY Yeh, but she coulda died as my wife. JOEY She coulda done, but she hasn't. HARRY I'm gonna find him. COLT Well, if Kym manages to escape, she won't be able to return to her hut. HARRY Why not? COLT 'Cos it was the victim of an arson attack, all of her stuff was blown to shit. FADE TO: CHOPPER Kym's gag is taken off. KYM So what d'you plan to do with me? BIGGY MAC Well, we wanna make Lover-boy work to get you. KYM I don't like him, he's a little prick. BIGGY MAC Yeh, I know. But he really loves you, couldn't you feel the same? KYM I don't know...what are you a matchmaker or something? VITO Boss, where d'you want me to go? BIGGY MAC Delph-house. VITO Right. KYM Are you gonna kill me? BIGGY MAC (Matter-of-factly) Oh yeh. Course. But first we've...well I've decided, that I might as well get some money off Lover-boy. So I will. If plan 34-50, Derek should've got five thousand and the pleasure of killing Harry's partner and girl, and I could try and get some money outa him, then I'll blow your brains out, then fly to Cairo and live with my Uncle. VITO Err, bad news, boss. Scotten's dead, as is everyone else but us. BIGGY MAC What! Shit! Shit! Damn! Kym sniggers. Biggy Mac slaps her. She struggles at her restraints but can't WHACK him back. KYM Jackass! WHAM! He slaps her again. BIGGY MAC Insolent Bitch. FLAT-NIGHT Harry sits in his leather armchair, drinking a Cappuccino, he sits staring at space, lost in a world of his own. Joey and Stephanie look at him concerned. STEPHANIE I just had a scary situation, but I never acted like that. JOEY Yeh well you got out okay. STEPHANIE Still, look at the poor guy. JOEY Look, she's not dead yet. Harry's still got a chance. STEPHANIE Joey, you know he hasn't. JOEY I dunno, Harry's a rock-hard guy. He'll err, pull through. He's had it worse. STEPHANIE When? KYM When his parents disappeared? STEPHANIE He didn't even know them. That's different, he was only one when they died. JOEY So? His sub-conscious mind still remembers them. STEPHANIE Shut up, you Braniac. HARRY Will both of you shut-up! Suddenly the phone rings. Harry grabs it and answers. HARRY Hello? BIGGY MAC Harry...what a pleasant surprise. HARRY You little fu... BIGGY MAC Aht-ah! I got a gun to little Ms.McCullough's head right now! I could pull the trigger any second and kill her. So I wouldn't if I were you. HARRY What d'you want from me? BIGGY MAC Your life and your money. HARRY Well I'd rather be dead than not be with her, so where are you, I want a Showdown. If I win, I get the girl. If you win, then well... BIGGY MAC Okay, you should see little Miss's face, she's touched! KYM Am not! BIGGY MAC Are too! Sounds of Squabbling. HARRY Where can I find you? BIGGY MAC Warehouse No.33, at the docks. HARRY Oh how classical. BIGGY MAC D'you want me to pull the trigger? HARRY Oh no! No! No! What time? BIGGY MAC Um...Yo Vito, what's the time now? VITO Err, 11.30 P.M. BIGGY MAC Right, what about 1.00? HARRY You're on. BIGGY Be there, or... HARRY Be square! He hangs up. Then does a little jig, before falling into the bathroom. HARRY AAAGGGHHH! I'm okay! I'm okay! Hey what the... He comes out of the bathroom, drag |