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The Best Revenge by Tim Finkbeiner WGA # 875871 timf248@yahoo.com FADE IN INT. OFFICE BUILDING - AFTERNOON Inside an office building, people in their 20's and 30's are packing their belongings and vacating their offices. These aren't ordinary offices of corporate America, their offices are an extension of their diverse personalities. Some are barren, some orderly, some a complete mess. These employees aren't sad victims of corporate downsizing or a company gone bankrupt. INT. ALMOST EMPTY OFFICE - AFTERNOON An early 30ish man sits at his desk, holding a check. He is a plain man, out-of-style-glasses sit perched upon a large nose that is featured prominently on his face. If you look up computer geek in the dictionary, his picture may be displayed. It's been a while since he has seen a barber, it is possible that he cuts his own hair. His choice of clothing more functional than stylish; off-brand khakis and a too large button-down shirt adorn with the remains of lunch. He is the consummate computer geek. His name is ANDY ROGERS and he is talking on the phone while holding up a check and looking at it. ANDY (playing with the check) I said I can't help you. I have less to do with this company than the guy who cleans the bathrooms. I told you, I am no longer an employee of Sell-it -Free.com, how hard is that to understand? Yes, I was the president. But, I'm not anymore. Why am I here? Good question. We finally see the check he has been staring at. It is a check for $130 million dollars!! ANDY You will have to take it up with their legal department. (beat) Their number? Sure here, let me transfer you. He hangs up without transferring the call and opens a Federal Express envelope and retrieves three files. The names on the files are: ROBERT HEALY, MELISSA WHISBY, and PHIL CUMMINS. He looks at them as a young man knocks on the open door. Andy looks up to see JASON, early 30's, head programmer. Jason is also holding a check. ANDY Hey Jason.. JASON (staring at the check) I still can't believe it's real... ANDY It may take a while to sink in. This makes up for the late nights sleeping here on the floor, huh? JASON Shit yes. You always said we'd make it. But I never expected this. this. ANDY I had good people working hard. You all deserve what you got. Every penny. JASON What are you going to do now? Travel? Start another company? Live off the interest? ANDY I don't know. I'm going home for a while, relax. Maybe catch up with some old friends. JASON I'm sure they'll be happy to see you now. You're going to be very popular. ANDY I'm sure they will. What are you going to do? JASON Surf in Hawaii, ski in British Columbia and lay in the sun in Jamaica. Get laid every night. Then next month, I'm going to do it all over again. ANDY I want pictures. You know my E-mail. JASON You got it. Jason leaves. Andy goes back to the files, opening the first file, Robert Healy. Pictures scatter on the desk. Andy is reading the file over a montage. ANDY (V.O.) Robert James Healy, Bobby, 34 years of age... Bobby's face is shown with a smile. The camera pulls back to reveal him urinating in the woods during a break in a softball game. ANDY (V.O.) born Detroit, Michigan, Graduated Redford Township High School, barely, Bobby in a graduation cap with his buddies.. ANDY (V.O.) married to Theresa Ordman, Their wedding day, At the alter. ANDY (V.O.) ....two kids...headed for reform school, no doubt.... Two little kids dressed in prison uniforms in jail ANDY (V.O.) employed as a press operator for Moore Machine Engineering for 13 years... Bobby at work, but showing a porno magazine to co-worker. ANDY (V.O.) Bobby's supervisor, Ken Trellac, owes big gambling debts... Ken throwing a newspaper at a ballgame on television. ANDY (V.O.) Bobby and Theresa owe $18,000 in credit card bills....Bobby owes $84,000 on the house... Their small house that could use a bit of work. ANDY (V.O.) drives a rusty four-wheel-drive pickup.... Bobby's piece-of-shit Ford truck that has a cartoon of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo. ANDY (V.O.) wife is a part-time records clerk at a local hospital.... Theresa working at her job. ANDY (V.O.) they make about $34,000 with her salary... DISSOLVE TO A FLASHBACK - SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - AFTERNOON SUPERIMPOSE: Westland Elementary School - 1979 A group of eight-year-old boys are teasing a smaller boy. The smaller boy has obviously wet his pants. BOBBY Hey look, Andy peed his pants!!!! The other boys laugh at the smaller boy, Andy. BOBBY (Laughing) Hey Pee Boy...think those stains will come out of your pants? Andy's eyes well up with tears. He tries to hold back the tears, but can't. He runs away, crying. DISSOLVE TO ANOTHER FLASHBACK - HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - AFTERNOON SUPERIMPOSE: Redford Union High School - 1988 Nerdy Andy is now 17 and trying to talk to a girl by her locker. He is attempting to ask her on a date. ANDY If your....um..not doing anything ...would.. would .. you like... Bobby comes strolling down the hall in his varsity jacket, surrounded by some teammates and cheerleaders. He runs his hand through his then-cool mullet haircut. BOBBY (Yelling to the girl Andy is about to ask out) Is Pee boy going on a date? Better watch out, he might pee on you while you are making out!! The boys and girls all laugh at the comment. Andy looks down, red-faced, ashamed. He has never forgotten that day and is reminded of it yearly, no monthly, by Bobby. The girl he was asking out is ashamed too, and will not look at, or even speak to turn down his awkward invitation. She just turns and slowly walks away. INT. BOBBY'S HOUSE - PRESENT DAY SUPERIMPOSE: A Former High School Star Athlete - Present Day A sloppy overweight man is lying on the couch with the television remote and a can of beer. His dirty t-shirt barely covers his beer belly. He is only in his 30's but appears much older. Two dirty boys, ages 7 and 9, chase each other, wrestling around the living room. BOBBY Hey, you animals, go outside. I'm trying to watch the Tigers. The boys turn and flip him off then run out the front door. Bobby smiles like a proud father and finishes the beer. BOBBY Hey, bring me a beer. His wife THERESA comes in the room, putting in an earring. THERESA Bob, dinner is in the crock pot. I'm late for work. Can you get your own beer? BOBBY Come on.. just get it you're up. I'm tired, I work all week. I put food on the table. At least you could get me a damn beer. Tired of arguing, tired of her high-school sweetheart reduced to couch potato, she relents. THERESA Fine. Will one beer be enough, or should I pack you a cooler? Bobby thinks about this. BOBBY Do we have a cooler? She brings the beer and walks away. THERESA (under her breath) Maybe a catheter so you don't have to get up to use the bathroom? BOBBY What? THERESA Nothing. INT. ANDYS APARTMENT - AFTERNOON Andy's apartment is almost bare except for a few boxes. Moving men are there picking them up. Andy is on the phone. ANDY Hey, Mark. Yep, it's a done deal. I have the check in my hand. Getting the new office set up? INT. MARKS OFFICE Seated in a nice office, Mark Goss is lawyer without looking like a lawyer. Dressed casually, he may be lacking the killer instinct that most motivated lawyers have. Maybe it's because he's just made millions on the sale of Andy's company. MARK Everything's all set. I'm in the new office right now. INT. ANDYS APARTMENT - AFTERNOON ANDY Good. I have some things to take care of first, then I'll be there. MARK (O.S.) Anything I can help with? ANDY No, I'm finally getting my deviated septum fixed. I'll be in for a few days recuperating. I'm driving there next week. I have a townhouse leased until my house is done. He picks up the Bobby file ANDY I need you to hire a certain woman. Her name is..Theresa Healy.. She's a records clerk at Bott Hospital. Pay her forty-five or fifty grand. MARK (O.S.) What do you want her to do? ANDY Anything she's remotely qualified for. I just need her to make more money than her position deserves. MARK (O.S.) An old friend you feel sorry for? ANDY Sort of a friend-of-an-old-friend. MARK (O.S.) Okay. I'll get her hired. Anything else? ANDY No, If I think of something I'll call you. MARK N (O.S.) Okay, see you when you get here. ANDY Okay, see you. INT BANK INTERIOR - MORNING Andy is waiting for the bank manager. The customer leaves the bank manager, MR. PRISOCK, greets Andy with a hearty handshake. Mr. Prisock is an older gentleman who looks like a bank manager should look. MR. PRISOCK Andrew, how are you? How's business? ANDY Business was good. MR. PRISOCK Was? It's not now? ANDY It's sold. The internet godfather made me an offer I couldn't refuse. MR. PRISOCK Is it a good or bad thing? ANDY A good thing, I think, but its hard letting go of it. Seeing something you've worked so hard on suddenly become someone else's. MR. PRISOCK So what are you going to do? Settle down with a nice girl? Raise a family? You know, a family is the best thing a man can have. ANDY Well I'm not sure about that. MR. PRISOCK I'll bet you can find a nice woman. Andy looks away sheepishly. He's never been good with women. He hasn't been with a woman in a couple of years. And then it was a drunken evening. MR. PRISOCK Well what can I do for you today, Andrew? ANDY I need to do something with this check. I need some cash too. He hands Mr. Prisock the check, who looks at it. MR. PRISOCK Wow, I'd say you did okay on the deal. ANDY (Smiling) I need some cash, a money order for $150,000, I want to leave 20 million in your bank, 20 million transferred to this bank account in Detroit..... Andy hands him a slip of paper. ANDY ...and the rest transferred to my brokerage account. Hands him the last slip. Mr. Prisock writes down the information. MR. PRISOCK How much cash do you want? ANDY How much do you have here? EXT PORSCHE DEALERSHIP - AFTERNOON Andy pulls into the dealership and parks his 1993 Honda Accord. He is dressed casually, jeans and a generic polo shirt, old running shoes, carrying a briefcase. He walks in and looks at the black 911 GT2. He opens the door and climbs inside. The leather feels fantastic. This car is a young mans dream machine. A stuffy, over-cologned salesman walks over. He is not in the mood to answer questions or waste his time with this young man. SALESMAN Can you be helped? He yawns and checks the time on his fake Rolex. ANDY Actually, you can. How fast does it go? SALESMAN (very snotty) It's very, very fast...and much too expensive for you. This salesman is a complete asshole. ANDY What about the mileage? What kind of mileage does it get? SALESMAN People who can afford the fine piece of German craftsmanship do not have to worry about the price of gas. The salesman turns his back and walks away. ANDY (Loudly) What about people who can afford it but are interested is conserving fuel? (beat) Asshole... Andy thinks about how stupid the gas mileage argument is and walks over to another salesman, Brent. Brent is a low-key salesman. He looks like he should be selling Chevys to hard working folks, not high-end luxury sports cars. BRENT Hi, can I help you sir? ANDY I hope so, how much is that car? BRENT Do you mean the black GT2? Nice car. ANDY Yes, I want it, like that, with everything. I want to drive it out the door. Brent punches some numbers on the computer. BRENT Car, taxes, title, delivery, prep..total of $196,830 ANDY That the only one you have? He wanted a brand new one, but this will do. BRENT I'm afraid it is the only one we have. Only one per dealer. ANDY Then I'll take it. How much commission will you make on this car? BRENT I'm not sure, I've never sold one. ANDY What's that other salesman's name? (pointing to the other salesman) That asshole who wouldn't sell me the car. BRENT His name is Chris. ANDY (shouting) Hey Chris Chris looks over and rolls his eyes. ANDY Hey polo, come here, I want to show you something. Chris walks over to them. ANDY I want you to watch this. Andy opens his briefcase and removes a thick stack of $100 dollar bills. ANDY I want you to tell me to stop when I get to the amount of commission for selling this car. He starts counting the bills out. After about 40 of the $100 bills. BRENT I think that's about right.. Chris scoffs at this. CHRIS How would you know? It would be more..much more.... Andy counts out about 20 more. ANDY This closer? CHRIS Yes, that's close. Andy takes the money and hands it to Brent. Brent stands with his mouth open. BRENT W..W..W..What is this? ANDY It's a bonus. BRENT Holy shit..... ANDY You treated me like a person, even though I may not look like I can afford it, I can. Andy turns to Chris. ANDY How's it feel, polo? That's about six grand sitting in his hand. It could be yours, you could be celebrating tonight, bragging to all your salesmen buddies about your big sale, but you fucked up. You couldn't even give me the gas mileage. You were too big, too important. How's it feel now, sporto? Chris turns and walks away. ANDY Here sporto... He throws a hundred dollar bill on the ground. ANDY Thanks for your most valuable time...and another thing, Rolex hands sweep, they don't tick. Chris stops and considers picking it up, but his pride doesn't allow him to bend down. He covers his watch with his hand and walks away. Andy turns back to Brent. ANDY When can you have it ready? BRENT Ready to what? ANDY Ready for me to drive off the lot. In the background Chris walks near the hundred dollar bill on the floor and casually tries to move it with his foot. He slips and falls. Andy and Brent laugh at him. BRENT About two hours. ANDY I want it. I'll leave a cashiers check for part and I'll pay the rest in cash when I pick it up, okay? BRENT (Astonished) Yes, sure, fine. But we have forms to fill out to satisfy the governments prying eyes, you know.... ANDY Yes, I understand, it's all legitimate. Can you have someone pick me up at the Bob Evan's restaurant down the road when it's ready? BRENT Yes, absolutely, I'll come pick you up myself. ANDY That would be great, thanks. BRENT It's my pleasure, really. Andy reaches in his briefcase and pulls out some papers. ANDY You'll need these. Andy gives him the cashiers check, his drivers license and turns to leave. Brent sits, still stunned at what has just happened. Just before he leaves, Andy turns. ANDY By the way, what kind of mileage does it get? EXT - BUS STOP - AFTERNOON Andy pulls his car into a parking lot next to a bus stop. He pulls his duffle bag and briefcase from the back seat and walks over to a large, 50ish woman standing, waiting for the bus. ANDY Ma'am? Excuse me, but I was wondering if you have a car? She looks at Andy like he's crazy. WOMAN (Backing slowly) Yes, I have a Cadillac and a Jaguar, I just ride the bus for the stimulating odors. ANDY Really? WOMAN Do you think I would be waiting for the bus if I had a car? What do you want anyway? ANDY I want to give you my car. That green one over there. I have the keys and title right here. She know's he's crazy now. He pulls the title out of the briefcase. WOMAN Is this real? Are you crazy? Get out of here, you're scaring me. Andy moves closer. WOMAN I'll hit you if you come any closer... She feigns hitting him with her large purse. ANDY Really, I want you to have it, I just sold a business and have lots of money. I just bought a new car and I want you to have my old one. It runs well. WOMAN (looking around) Am I on TV? Is this one of those reality shows? She smiles at the non-existent camera. ANDY Please....take it...here, I'll give you some money for insurance, too. WOMAN Yea, right, you're going to pay me to take your car? Well, I don't care if you are crazy honey, I do need a car. She reaches and snatches the stuff from his hands. ANDY Thank you very much, it means a lot to me that you get this car. WOMAN What kind of mileage does it get? CUT TO: INT - BOB EVANS RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON Andy is sitting there reading the second file, Melissa Marie Whisby, over a montage. ANDY (V.O.) Melissa Whisby. Blonde. Cheerleader. Melissa as a cheerleader. She is beautiful. ANDY (V.O.) Former, possible present bitch.. Mean as a snake. Melissa and her friends laughing at people at school. ANDY (V.O.) Married at 20, now divorced. Picture of her getting married to a biker in Vegas. ANDY (V.O.) One daughter. Showing her daughter Samantha, 5, who is a beautiful girl. ANDY (V.O.) Works as an administrative assistant. Melissa is working hard but work keeps piling up on her desk. DISSOLVE TO A FLASHBACK - HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY - AFTERNOON SUPERIMPOSE: Redford Union High School - 1987 Andy standing by his locker. Melissa and her cheerleader friends walk past. MELISSA (to her friends) (pointing to Andy) That's him, Pee Boy. You know he looks at my boobs all of second period. The kids all laugh. She comes closer to him. She's so close he can smell her. She thrusts her ample chest toward him. MELISSA Here, touch them, pee boy. Andy edges away, afraid of her. Afraid of them. MELISSA (moving closer) C'mon, touch them pee boy, touch my boobs. Andy backs away. MELISSA (pointing down at his crotch) Look!!! Pee boy's got an erection!! There is a mixed reaction of laughter and squeals of disgust. Andy turns red and runs away, as the kids laugh. INT - SMALL HOME - MORNING - PRESENT DAY Melissa is now a single mother to one daughter. The former prom queen has been reduced to raising her daughter, Samantha, a beautiful six year old, by herself, living in barely above poverty level. MELISSA C'mon honey, you're going to be late baby. SAMANTHA I hate these clothes. The other kids make fun of me. MELISSA I'm sure they don't. I think you're exaggerating a little. Six-year olds don't notice clothes. SAMANTHA Yes they do. All the kids where Tommy or Abercrombie and Fitch. Nobody wears clothes from Wal-mart. MELISSA Some kids wear them, or Wal-mart wouldn't sell them. Come on, I'll drive you to school. They walk out and into the rusting Taurus. Melissa turns the key. It won't start. Shit. INT - BOB EVANS RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON Andy is at a table reading the file. Brent the salesman walks to the table. BRENT If you're not done, I'll come back. ANDY No, I was just finishing up. Please, have a seat. Brent sits across from Andy and hands him the keys. ANDY Did you eat? Would you like something? BRENT No, I just had a sandwich, thanks anyway. The car is all set, I dried it myself. It's beautiful. ANDY Yes, it's great. Anything I should I know before I drive it to Michigan? BRENT Buy a radar detector and condoms. It's a magnet for cops and women. EXT - PORSCHE DEALERSHIP - AFTERNOON Andy stuffs his old duffle bag and briefcase in the passenger seat and slips behind the wheel. The clutch is slowly released and the sleek car rolls out the driveway. And stalls it.. Even the car is embarrassed. He starts it and finally drives away. EXT - WHITE BUILDING - DAY Andy pulls into the underground parking garage to a beautiful white building that has no signs telling us what is inside. He finds a spot and pulls the Porsche in. INT - WHITE BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER Inside the building, Andy is ushered into a large waiting room. The beautiful receptionist knows his name, and speaks to him. RECPTIONIST Good morning Mr. Rogers, Dr. Katzman will be with you in a few minutes. ANDY (nervous) Thank you RECEPTIONIST Don't be nervous, it's much easier that an IPO or an SEC inquiry. Andy laughs at her business jokes. Smart, funny and beautiful. Andy looks at the original oil paintings on the walls. An impressive collection. Dr. Katzman, a tanned plastic surgeon, enters the waiting room. He is movie star handsome and probably worked on half of today's leading men. His art collection tells us how good he is. DR. KATZMAN Good to see you Andy. Feeling well? ANDY Yes, fine, a little nervous, but good. DR. KATZMAN That's normal. We'll laser the eyes today and do the nose tomorrow. You should be out of here in 3 or 4 days. INT - OPERATING ROOM - AFTERNOON Inside the eye doctor's operating room, Andy is undergoing laser surgery to correct his eyesight. INT - OPERATING ROOM - NEXT MORNING Inside Dr. Katzman's sterile operating room, Andy is undergoing plastic surgery to have his prominent nose done. INT - RECOVERY SUITE - NEXT DAY Andy is sitting in his recuperating suite, which could pass as a high rollers suite in Las Vegas. He is reading a book about picking up women written by Frank TJ Mackey (the Tom Cruise character in Magnolia). His face covered with a bandage. He picks up the phone and dials a number. MARK AIR Associates ANDY Hey Mark MARK Who is this? Andy? ANDY Yea, I'm a little bandaged up from the surgery. Everything going okay there? MARK Yep, going really good. Got the offices, hired assistants, hired that girl you wanted. ANDY Great. I emailed you a list of more of people I want hired. They work for a company called Cummins Information Service. Hire them and steal their customers. I want to put Cummins out of business. MARK OK, what do I offer them to leave Cummins? ANDY Anything, just get them. And don't use my name at all. I use to work with most of them. MARK Got it. When will you be here? ANDY About a week. Have to heal a little, then drive the rest of the way. Keep me posted. MARK Okay, I'll E-mail you updates every day. I'm not sure why you're doing all this, but is it going to be worth all this trouble? ANDY I don't know, but it's going to be fun trying. INT - DOCTOR KATZMAN'S OFFICE Andy is sitting in a chair while Dr. Katzman is cutting the bandages off. A pretty nurse is standing near, assisting Dr. Katzman. They remove the bandage. DR. KATZMAN Well...very nice... NURSE Yes...very nice work Doctor. ANDY Do I look much different? NURSE You remember that girl from "Dirty Dancing" who got her nose done, and no one recognized her? ANDY Yea, she never worked again. DR. KATZMAN It's a big change, you'll like it. The nurse offers a mirror, but before we see his face... INT - HAIR SALON - DAY Inside a trendy salon, we see Andy from behind, hair cut into a stylish cut with highlights. STYLIST Much better now, I didn't know if we could do it Andy... ANDY It looks great, I feel like a new man... Shown from the neck down. He pays for the haircut and gives the stylist a $100 tip. INT - OPTICAL STORE - DAY A fancy optical store where Andy is buying sunglasses. His face is still hidden INT - JEWELRY STORE - DAY A fancy jewelry store where Andy is buying a real Rolex.His face is still hidden from us. INT - CLOTHING STORE DAY A mens clothing boutique where Andy is buying a new wardrobe with the help of some pretty and anxious saleswomen. He isn't sure about the adoration, but he's getting use to it pretty quick. SALESWOMAN 1 Those Gucci pants look fabulous with that sweater.... SALESWOMAN 2 You are not getting your old clothes back, they are going right into the trash... INT - CLOTHING STORE DRESSING ROOM Andy is trying on clothes and shoes at a furious pace. Arms reach in with more clothes. One hand pinches his ass. The curtain is opened to reveal a new Andy. His face looks completely different. The nose it in proportion with his face. He is actually handsome. INT - CLOTHING STORE DAY At the cash register, Andy is gathering his bags...Saleswoman #2 slips a business card into one of his many bags. SALESWOMAN 2 (whispering into his ear) It's got my home number, please call me. Andy walks out with a big grin. EXT - SHOPPING CENTER PARKING LOT Andy gets to his car and realizes that he can't fit all of his bags in the small car. The Porsche squealing out of the parking lot, his old duffle bag left on the ground, like a butterfly's discarded cocoon. EXT - HOTEL BAR -EVENING In a small, dark hotel bar, Andy is having a drink at the bar, contemplating dinner, and going over some notes. The bar isn't crowded, but there is a few people mostly businessmen. BARTENDER Can I get you another beer? ANDY Yes, and the salmon appetizer, please. BARTENDER No problem. Andy looks at his notes. The folder says Phillip Cummins. DISSOLVE TO A FLASHBACK - OFFICE - AFTERNOON SUPERIMPOSE: Cummins Computers Inc. - 1995 The office is small, intimate. Eight young men sit at computer, programming furiously. A man with huge glasses that make his eyes look like giant insect eyes, walks in the room. This is PHIL CUMMINS. PHIL May I have your attention please? The programming comes to a halt. All eyes are on Phil. PHIL It has come to the attention of management, me, that someone here has used the office internet connection to peruse some pornographic sites. As we all know, this is against company policy. Phil looks directly at Andy. PHIL Now, I don't want to embarrass the person who visited these sites, one being blondbimbos.com, another being nastysluts.com. Let's just say that we, I, wish to have you men working, not looking at naked women. The guys nod and agree, most looking at Andy and snickers. PHIL Andy, I want to see you in my office. Andy follows Phil into Phil's office. INT - PHILS OFFICE Phil sits in his chair, a little smirk on his face. Andy is obviously pissed about being singled out. PHIL Anything you want to say? Andy is ashamed and pissed off. ANDY Everyone here goes to those websites. We can't program for ten straight hours. PHIL But you got caught. Maybe you should keep your mouth shut, be more of a team player around here. ANDY So that's it, you're pissed because I wanted the credit I deserved. PHIL You get the credit I give you. You want more credit, you become the boss. I get the credit because I hired you and I'm paid to make sure you work. Andy is really angry, almost on the verge of tears. PHIL What? Are you going cry? Christ...get out.. Andy gets up and walks to the door. PHIL (O.S.) Stay off the porno sites too, pervert. As his coworkers laugh, Andy goes to his desk, deletes the program he was working on and walks out the door. INT - DAY - PHILS OFFICE SUPERIMPOSE: Cummins Information Service - Present Day Present day. Phil is sitting at his desk, barking orders into the phone, being a complete asshole. PHIL I don't care if your kids are sick, get your ass in here. He listens. PHIL Then quit, it's your choice. I don't give a shit. He slams the phone down. The camera pans around the office. There are now three times as many programmers. Business is good. INT - HOTEL BAR - EVENING Andy put down the notes and notices a beautiful woman sitting down a few seats. With his new found confidence, he's going to buy her a drink. ANDY Hello, can I buy you a drink? WOMAN No, that's okay. Expense account. ANDY I see. What do you do? WOMAN I'm a corporate trainer. Software. And you? What are you doing in here in the middle of nowhere on a Tuesday? ANDY Going home. Literally. I'm moving back to the Detroit area. WOMAN From where? ANDY San Jose. WOMAN Ah, another Silicone Valley tragedy. Run out of capital? Andy smiles shyly. ANDY Well, actually we got bought out. WOMAN That's great, a success story. What did you do? ANDY Programming, mainly. WOMAN You don't look like a programmer, but I guess that's a bad stereotype, huh? Andy laughs at the memory of his former self. WOMAN I'm Susie, by the way. ANDY You look like a Susie, you know, kind of perky. Andy. SUSIE Nice to meet you Andy. ANDY Nice to meet you Susie... They shake hands. INT - RESTAURANT - LATER At a table, Susie and Andy are finishing a bottle of wine and sharing some slightly drunken conversation. SUSIE So what are you going to do, you can't just retire at 33. You'll go crazy. ANDY I have some things planned. Subsidized housing for the disadvantaged, small computer company. After that, I'm not sure. SUSIE Some fun planned somewhere along the way? ANDY Yes, but I have some favors to return. People who have made an impact on my life. SUSIE That's nice, going to visit some teachers? Old friends? ANDY Yes, and a special boss who treated me a little different for everyone else. A slim devilish smile crosses his face. SUSIE I'm sure they will all enjoy seeing you. ANDY Yes, something I'm sure they will remember for a long, long time. They both smile, for obviously different reasons. ANDY You wanna go for a ride? INT - HOTEL LOBBY - MORNING Hung-over, but feeling great, Andy, a silly grin on his face, is checking out of the hotel. DESK CLERK Was everything to your satisfaction sir? ANDY Yes, everything was perfect, thank you. Andy signs the credit card receipt and walks out the door, almost in a daze. EXT - PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER The Porsche is parked at an odd angle. A bra hangs from the rear view window. Andy climbs in and starts the car. He tosses the bra out the window. He changes his mind and climbs out and picks it up. The Porsche burns rubber out the driveway and squeals the tires when it hits second gear. INT - PORSCHE - DAY Driving down a freeway, doing about 90, Andy is on the phone. ANDY I should be in around 6:00 or 7:00 a.m. MARK You driving straight through? Why? ANDY It feels good, you know, just driving, no thinking about work. No programming. IT's nice. MARK What are you thinking about? ANDY All the fun I'm going to have. What time will you be in the office? MARK I'll be there at 7:00, you know where it's at, right? ANDY Yea, I'll meet you there. EXT - SMALL OFFICE BUILDING - NEXT MORNING Andy is asleep in his Porsche. A thud on the glass awakens him from a restless sleep. He looks up to find Mark looking at him. MARK Hey, can't you afford a hotel room, you cheap bastard? Spend all your money on that little car? ANDY Funny. Andy exits the car. Hugs the man, Mark, who finally gets a good look at Andy. MARK Holy shit. Did you have to give part of your nose to your investors? Andy gives him a dirty look MARK (CONT'D) I like the hair too, very west coast. ANDY C'mon, I need some coffee They walk into the building. INT - MARK'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER Mark and Andy sit opposite each other at a conference table. MARK Here are the keys to your townhouse, everything's been delivered. Decorator did a great job. ANDY Thanks. How's it look? MARK Good. Subtle, but smells like money. What about this woman you are going to wine, dine and fuck over? Andy slides Melissa's folder to him. ANDY Remember that cheerleader who looked down at everyone at school? The bitch who was the queen of the school. MARK Sure, we had one at my school, the one who had the male teachers wanting to see what was under that sweater. ANDY And, who held court every day in front of her locker. She's now a divorced woman with a little girl, a mortgage, a deadbeat ex-husband, and an eight year old Taurus. MARK There's nothing sadder than an ex prom queen driving a car that she wouldn't be caught dead in the back seat of when she was in high school. What about her? ANDY She made my life hell. MARK How did she even notice you? Usually girls like that don't notice people that far below her social circle. ANDY I wasn't that far down.. MARK Yes you were, I saw the pictures, I know exactly who you were because I was you in my high school. I didn't even rate an insult. Our prom queen wouldn't know me from Bill Gates. ANDY Bill who? MARK What are you going to do? ANDY Make her happy, propose and leave her. MARK The geek gets revenge.... ANDY Tell me you wouldn't want to get even with those assholes who messed with you. MARK It does sound very appealing.... The intercom buzzes in. SECRETARY (O.S.) Mr. Goss, Theresa Healy is here. MARK (to the phone) OK, I'll be right there.. ANDY Is she excited? MARK Completely. She can't believe the money she's going to be making. ANDY Good. MARK What did she do to you? ANDY Nothing, it's her husband. Another childhood acquaintance. MARK How is hiring her and paying her more money then she deserves going to get even with him? ANDY I'm going to take away his masculinity a little bit at a time. I'll let you go; I have a little low income housing foundation to start. MARK I can't wait to hear about that one. ANDY I need your car, mine's a little.....uh noticeable. MARK I've noticed. EXT - VERY NICE NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING Andy pulls up in front of a house in the Mark's Volvo. He looks at some papers and looks up, checking the address. He gets out and walks to a house. A woman opens the door. ANDY Mrs. Heigle? MRS. HEIGLE Yes...who are you? ANDY I'm Larry Applewhite. I represent a group of investors that are purchasing homes in the area. MRS. HEIGLE Really? Why are you purchasing in this area? ANDY We have a number of rich foreign businessmen and their families who wish to relocate here from their homelands because of recent internal struggles. I'm sure you have heard of their troubles... MRS. HEIGLE Oh, my. Yes, I have... She hasn't ANDY Because they wish to live in the same area, I am authorized to offer you up to twice the market value for your home and an additional $75,000 for your home furnishings. MRS. HEIGLE (very excited) Why, I'll have to talk to my husband, but I'm sure he will be delighted to sell. You know we have been looking to downsize anyway. ANDY Could you be out in a week if I through in an additional $10,000? MRS. HEIGLE Oh, my.. EXT - ANOTHER HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Andy is shaking hands with a man. A done deal. EXT - ANOTHER HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Andy is shaking hands with a woman. Another done deal. EXT - ANOTHER HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Andy walks up to the door and knocks. A pretty young woman in her 20's answers the door in a cute costume from a local novelty bar/restaurant. A button says "Welcome to O'Shannons" ANDY Mrs. Davis? YOUNG WOMAN I'm sorry, The Davis' are on vacation, I'm just here watering plants for them. I live next door. Andy checks the address book. ANDY You are Mrs. Cummins? YOUNG WOMAN Close. I'm Mrs. Cummins daughter, Lisa. Shit, it's Phil's daughter. ANDY (improvising) Hi Lisa, umm..you just saved me a trip to your house. I'm doing some demographic research for marketing research and would like to ask you a few questions. LISA Actually, I do have to go now. I have to work in a little while. ANDY (smiling) O'Shannons? LISA (smiling back) No, McDonalds has us wearing these now. Andy looks confused. He doesn't get her sarcasm. LISA (CONT'D) I'm kidding, of course I work at O'Shannons. Where else could I get these cool free outfits. Andy looks at the outfit and that body for maybe a second too long. ANDY Well, I'll let you go to work now, Lisa. LISA Thanks, good luck with the research...thing.. She closes the door. Wow. What a knockout. INT - VOLVO - AFTERNOON Andy is driving the Volvo, talking to Mark on the cell phone. ANDY Yes, my venture in real estate went well, bought four houses. (beat) I'll tell you over drinks, an hour. How about O'Shannons? EXT - O'SHANNONS - LATER Andy is in Mark's Volvo waiting for him. The Porsche roars into the parking lot, into the empty spot next to Andy. Mark looks over at Mark and smiles. Damn, what a car. They exit the cars and begin walking in. MARK Just being in that car changes a guy. I think I'm hard. ANDY I know. Instant Balls. Big hairy ones. INT - O'SHANNONS - MOMENTS LATER Typical chain restaurant/bar. Cute waitresses, decent food. Andy is looking around, searching for Lisa. Andy spots Lisa serving a group of people drinks. She is smiling and joking with the customers. Andy talking to the hostess. ANDY (pointing toward LISA) We'd like a table over there...near the window. HOSTESS Sure, we have an empty one over there. Follow me please. The hostess grabs a couple menus and leads them to their table. They sit. MARK Why are we here? I wanted a good steak and a cigar, not buffalo wings and secretaries. ANDY (pointing to LISA) Her. MARK Who? ANDY (pointing) The waitress right there. MARK Cute. Who is she? ANDY Phil Cummin's daughter. I met her this morning when I was house shopping. MARK Phil your ex-boss? You're trying to buy Phil's house? ANDY No, his neighbors' houses. MARK Houses? Why? You plan on moving in next door to him? ANDY No, I'm buying all the houses around him. Starting my own chain of party houses. MARK (laughing) That's quite a bit of money and effort just to screw some guy. ANDY He's worth it. I just wish I could be there to hear and see his reaction to his new neighbors. LISA comes to the table. LISA What can I get you guys? She recognizes Andy and smiles. LISA (CONT'D) Hi, did you get all your research done? ANDY Yes, I did thank you. LISA That's good, sorry I couldn't help, you know, job and everything. Andy smiles. ANDY I'll have a Labatts. MARK Two. LISA Two Labatts. I'll be right back. She turns and leaves. Mark's eyes follow her ass. MARK Research? ANDY She was at a neighbor's house, I had to make something up. MARK What's your plan with her? ANDY Plan? Nothing at all. A smirk comes across Andy's face. MARK You must have something in mind, you wouldn't have come here... ANDY Do you think its overkill, you know, messing with his daughter? MARK Overkill is spending a million dollars on a few houses just to piss him off. And yes, messing with his daughter may be out of line. Look at her, she's a doll. ANDY Yea, you're right about her, but I'll get some of the money back when I sell the houses. (beat) How is the hiring going? MARK Good, I have the top three guys coming over from Cummins. They start next week. ANDY Cummins customer list? MARK Got it. Have the salesmen working on his clients right now. Big incentives for them to get them. It's not a hard sell, though, Cummins has been overcharging them, and the service isn't the best. They are really understaffed. ANDY I figured as much. He was always a greedy prick. Lisa appears with their beers. LISA Two of Canada's finest. Anything else, guys? ANDY Not sure yet. LISA OK, I'll check back in a little bit. She turns and walks away. MARK I think she likes you. Andy scoffs at this. He never had a woman this cute like him. ANDY I think she's a little out of my league. She's smart, funny, beautiful... MARK You're right, she's in my league. ANDY And probably has a boyfriend. INT - O'SHANNONS - LATER Lisa is taking their empty dinner plates away. LISA You guys all set? Another beer? Dessert? ANDY No, I'm good, thanks MARK I'm good. LISA Can't take all the excitement here? The guys smile at her. MARK Where do you go for excitement? LISA Usually I go to the library. ANDY What are you studying? LISA Getting my masters in education. MARK That must keep you busy, bet your boyfriend hates that you can't spend much time with him. LISA No boyfriend. The last one was tired of competing with school. School always won. Andy gets up. ANDY Please excuse me. Andy goes to the bathroom. MARK Would you mind if I ask you a personal question? LISA Sure as long as it's not about a part of my anatomy. MARK Would you like to go out for coffee sometime? LISA Well, I don't drink coffee, but I'd love a good burger and a beer. EXT - PARKING LOT - LATER Andy and Mark are leaving O'Shannons. The parking lot is partially full. ANDY Do you mind driving the Porsche? Lisa saw me in your Volvo and I don't want her to see me in my car. I don't think she'd believe a marketing man would drive a G2. MARK O.K., but you own me. Sounding almost serious. ANDY Thanks for understanding. More mock seriousness. MARK Going home? ANDY Yea. MARK Been there yet? ANDY No, I'm not really sure where it is. EXT. BAR - NEXT EVENING Andy is sitting in the Volvo studying the file on Bobby. There is a picture of his boss, KEN TRELLAC. Ken is a skinny, almost skeletal man. Not exactly the picture of health. ANDY (to himself) Okay, Ken Trellac......bookie is Alan R. No last name, also known as Big A... Andy walks into the corner bar. It's very smoky, noisy. Typical blue collar bar. Mostly men sit at the bar watching a ball game on TV, a few are scattered at table. Some play pool or darts. Andy looks around then sits at an empty seat at the end of the bar with the best view of the entire bar. BARTENDER What can I get ya? ANDY Beer...Labatts.. The bartender walks away. Andy surveys the bar, looking for Ken. He doesn't see him. Bobby, as usual, is there playing pool. Andy turns his attention to the game on television. The bartender brings his beer, and takes the money A voice from behind him asks.. KEN Anyone sitting here? Andy turns to face KEN. He looks like his picture, tall, painfully skinny, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. ANDY No, nobody sitting here. KEN OK, thanks. Hey Billy, can I get a Bud? The bartender, Billy, brings Andy's change and Ken's beer. KEN Who's winning? ANDY Don't know, just got here myself. They watch the game in almost silence, except for the urgings, moans and groans from Ken, who has a bundle on the game. KEN Shit, I can't believe I'm having this fucking year. ANDY Losing your shirt? KEN Shirt, pants, my whole fucking wardrobe. ANDY I hear ya. KEN Fuckin' Tigers. Never have any pitching. Andy leans in. ANDY (softly) Big A still hassling you? Ken leans back |