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Credits INT. PIZZA PARLOR, "OLD TYME PIZZA" Fade in, we hear 2 voices arguing over batman JASON Well yeah, Keaton was good, but West was the classic superhero, he was some one you could look up to. FREDDIE But he was so corny, Keaton was the tormented soul, he was dark and was always haunted of why he was Batman, HIS PARENTS were killed for Christs sake! And the name alone, "BATMAN", he was the dark knight! JASON But it got in the way of some good ass kicking, Keaton would beat up some thugs, then he would go and whine and mope about his parents. We all know they were offed, but that shouldn't get in the way of ass kicking! I mean ya he should remember it , but the only reason he started to fight crime was to ensure it didn't happen to any other kids! How can he do that if he bitches and loses it everytime he dishes out a bad guy? FREDDIE West was so unreal, he was a cardboard super hero! JASON Wait a second you retard! Lets see how real could it be when tis about a guy WHO LIVES IN A CAVE AND FIGHTS CRIME, I mean did you ever see that giant penny down there? FREDDIE Jason you like superman, can you tell how real that is? JASON SEE! Jason takes a drink FREDDIE What? JASON Your trying to change the subject because I'm right FREDDIE I'm just say-- But before he can talk a customer cuts him off CUSTOMER I thought George Clooney was better than both of them if ya ask me. FREDDIE AND JASON GET THE HELL OUT! CUSTOMER Well give me my pizza! JASON Freddie show Mr. (looks at receipt) Floyd here the door Freddie opens the door and Jason drops the pizza on the counter in an ignorant way CUSTOMER Well as rude as you are, at least this pizza looks good JASON Yea, there's the door and heres your finger (flips him off) please come back to "Old Tyme Pizza" FREDDIE Ya George Clooney could lick my ass, even Val Kilmer was better than E.R. bitch The customer hangs his head in disgust and slowly walks out. Jason spits on the ground that he walked on JASON What the hell does that guy know about comics? FREDDIE You gonna clean that shit up? Cut to Jason getting up from the floor and Freddie drinking an orange soda. JASON Man that pissed me off so much, lets get outta here FREDDIE One, where are we gonna go? And two, what if the boss shows up? JASON We get a whole 3 customers a day i don't th-- FREDDIE That because u scare them all away Flash back to a person buying a pizza and waiting for it at the counter JASON (IN HIS UNDERWEAR) GOD DAMN! I was opening the sauce can and this big fucking rat came and spilled it all. Jason looks at the customer confused JASON (cont'd) What the hell are you dong here? The customer then leaves in shock FREDDIE See what you did JASON Yeah, your right, now he knows that we don't make our sauce fresh like the flyers say (sarcastically) I DIDN'T OPEN A CAN I UH PUT IT IN A CAN Freddie shakes his head in disgust Cut back JASON (cont'd) That's not the point, the boss ain't showin up and check this out Jason holds up a flyer for play tryouts FREDDIE Play tryouts for Grease? I dunno, I hate that movie. How ever I do love the theatre. JASON Don't lie man you love that movie Flash back to Jason walking into Freddie's room, Freddie is singing along to Grease on his bed, he's naked. FREDDIE DON'T LOOK AT ME!!! Freddie puts a pillow over his crotch Cut back FREDDIE (cont'd) You said you'd never talk about that again JASON Eh oh well, CMON! LETS GO MAN! FREDDIE Whats the worst that could happen? JASON Its right near here, but first we gotta get back to the house and get some clothes FREDDIE Oh Jason puts up a closed sign, its noon Freddie comes out of the house in a "grease" shirt while Jason comes out in a dress FREDDIE (cont'd) Do you really think you got a chance? JASON You never know They arrive at the auditions, its an abandoned school FREDDIE Are you gonna take that fuckin thing off? I thought you were dickin around, ya got no chance! JASON More so than that guy Pan over to a fat guy in a dress FREDDIE Yeesh, guess your right there JASON Hey man, were up next They walk to the stage, but before they do one more person has to go PLAY TRYER Hi, my name is Robert and id like to try out for the play PLAY INSTRUCTOR Well lets see what you got PLAY TRYER OHHHHH, who lives in a pineapple under the -- PLAY INSTRUCTOR STOP! First off, that's not even the play were here for, and secondly, that was horrible! FREDDIE Hey that wasnt bad, and if Sponge bob was a play, it could kick Grease's ass any day PLAY INSTRUCTOR I did notice that many of you seem to be trying out for the play "Grease". Well then your all mistaken, you see, if you read the wording carefully, it says that there is play tryouts FOR grease, not the play, the fat liquid substance PLAY TRYER Well then what is the play for? PLAY INSTRUCTOR "Tooty fruity and pirate pals go to club med" Everyone leaves the room except for Jason and Freddie FREDDIE I say we leave too JASON Hey man, extra dough is extra dough any way around PLAY INSTRUCTOR Mmmmmm I'm glad you two stayed, i like you mmmm mmmm mmm FREDDIE Lets quickly and quietly-- JASON You FUCKING FREAK! RUN!!! Freddie starts to run towards the door JASON (cont'd) Wait up FREDDIE Hurry up fat stuff before they grease ya up and fry ya for the kids! Freddie gets out first, Jason keeps going and the door closes on him, and gets hit in the face Freddie hears the bang and opens the door FREDDIE (cont'd) Whoa, you alright JASON Ya ill be fi-- Jasons tooth falls out, in the distance is some one else walking down the street in a dress JASON (cont'd) Freddie, is that Lee? Lee sees them and runs up to them FREDDIE Hey Lee, your too late, the tryouts are over LEE Dammit, Why? Did you get the part? JASON No its just a long story LEE What happened JASON WE GOT VIOLATED! There's an awkward moment Cut to them walking down the street FREDDIE How the hell can you even think that the best Batman was from the animated series? LEE HEY! No now let me explain, the 1st edition sucked and the JLA one was just ok. But the second edition was by far the best. He was meaner and had the better costume FREDDIE That doesn't make any god damn sense LEE And he had hotter sidekicks JASON The show was made for 6 year olds, they cant have hot women in them FREDDIE Thats bullshit and you know it, what about Betty Boop? JASON Ya but she was made in war time for the troops. LEE Id bang her, maybe pop eye too Jason and Freddie shake They arrive at the pizza shop to find there boss extremely pissed BOSS Where were you two? JASON Grease tryouts BOSS GREASE TRYOUTS?? Listen you retards, you better have a damn good reason JASON Done blame me, Freddie made me go to fulfill his "Olivia" fantasy FREDDIE Dude BOSS I've had it with you Fred, one more mistake and your out of " OLD TYME" Boss out of the scene still extremely pissed FREDDIE What the hell was that all about? JASON Just tryin to save my ass and yours FREDDIE What about me? How are you saving my ass? JASON Dont worry man, he wont do anything, ease up man Boss comes back into frame BOSS Fred your fired Boss walks away again FREDDIE I hate you so much Freddie starts to walk toward the door JASON Where ya goin? FREDDIE I dunno JASON I'm comin FREDDIE (sighs) don't you have to stay at work? JASON Not really he got all his anger out firing you FREDDIE Your such an idiot lets go The camera pans over to LEE LEE Hmmmmm i wish some one would fulfill my "Donny Osmond" fantasy Freddie and Jason stare at each other weirded out FREDDIE What? LEE Uhh not-- JASON Your a fuckin freak LEE I aims to please Cut to them in the backroom FREDDIE (sigh) where do i go to now? JASON I say we get your job back ,buddy LEE Im gonna get outta here, i gotta job to get back to FREDDIE He can hold down a job? JASON Better than you can retard, heh FREDDIE I hate you Cut to Freddie getting his things FREDDIE (cont'd) Geez this place had so many memories.....uh, Ok this place sucked but it was still home to me JASON Dude, your gonna be home in no time then cause this is gonna work, lets go to our home first though. Cut to them walking in there house JASON (cont'd) Well your right, but i don't see why ya don't just dress in a ghost outfit and scare em into hiring you back? FREDDIE Thats stupid as hell and my costume is messed up anyways, it has some burns on it from when you tried to the Rocketeer for Halloween Flash back to Halloween FREDDIE (cont'd) Trick or treat WOMAN Aren't you a little old to be trick to treating FREDDIE Your never too old for candy Jason then runs past the frame with his arm on fire and hes tying to pat it out JASON AHHHHHHHHHHH FREDDIE He wanted to be the Rocketeer, but his rocket must have blown up , last year we wanted to be the hulk, so he went into a radiation plant WOMAN Wow Cut back, Jason is pissing behind a door JASON True, I did burn everything around me, but I didn't hurt myself. Except for my ego and wellll ya know.... FREDDIE Is there still blood? JASON Only if I lay on it at night FREDDIE What about during the day JASON Shut up, always a joke with you FREDDIE So how are you getting my job back JASON Dude, don't worry, well come up with something, you want some smores? FREDDIE Do you even have to ask man? Hells ya. But don't fuckin blow up your house too JASON EXACTLY, my house, and it was a mistake Flash back to them at Freddie's house making smores FREDDIE Dammit, were out of crackers again JASON I already ate the hersheys FREDDIE Fat ass, it doesn't matter, the marshmallows are the best part anyway JASON Hell ya, but i forgot to tell ya, the pilot light went out on the oven again FREDDIE When? JASON Yesterday, maybe earlier FREDDIE WHAT! What would happen if we lit a candle or something JASON What kind of fag are you man, I like candles but we ain't lightin them together FREDDIE I mean if the power went out or......fuck it you have no clue whats going on anyways. FREDDIE (cont'd) Ill open it up just give me a match JASON It wont open, I tried a minute ago FREDDIE Shit, what do we do now? JASON I got it covered baby! Cut to them at the furnace in the basement JASON (cont'd) My god this is so uhhhhh FREDDIE Fucking stupid, yes i concur JASON NO! Its a camping word i think, uhhhhhh OH were roughing it, ya were tough and shit FREDDIE Making marshmallows on a heaters little fire? JASON Yeah your right... Jason walks out of the frame and then comes back with gasoline JASON (cont'd) LETS KICK IT UP! Cut to Freddies screaming and then the house blowing up Jason and Freddie laying on the lawn JASON (cont'd) Dude you fucked up this time FREDDIE What am i gonna do now? JASON You can stay at my pad! FREDDIE Jesus....whats that? Freddie sees a flaming collar and freaks out FREDDIE (cont'd) MISTER FLUFFS NOOOOOOOO Flash back to them , but this time at Jason's furnace FREDDIE (cont'd) I cant believe you killed my cat JASON Ya but it was a really ugly cat man FREDDIE Doesn't this feel weird, like its HAPPENED BEFORE JASON Uh huh? FREDDIE Your gonna kill us and blow up your house you jackass JASON No this time I'm using propane, Gas's more natural alternative... FREDDIE How about we just go outside Jason is about to pour it into the furnace JASON Ya that works too Cut to them in the back yard with a barrel FREDDIE Did you get the crackers? JASON Nope, i thought you were going to FREDDIE We always only get the marshmallows, i don't think I've actually had a smore JASON Neither have I , but I assume there good FREDDIE Well, what are we gonna do about my job? JASON I'm thinking man FREDDIE You don't think, and i know your not thinking about the boss and my job JASON Heh, nope i was thinking about Mr. stay-puft, boy we love marshmallows FREDDIE Yeah... Both look into the sky thinking about stay-puft, while thinking of stay puft Jason knocks over the barrel by mistake and the back yard catches on fire FREDDIE (cont'd) FUCK!! JASON Ah dammit, i messed up FREDDIE What do we do? JASON Uh get some water or ice or uhhh jello something to put this out GO Freddie runs and grabs a hose FREDDIE I'm comin Jason drops down on the fire and begins rolling around FREDDIE (cont'd) What are you doing Jason gets back up and pats out the fire JASON Stop drop and roll..what the hell are you doing PUT IT OUT YOU TARD Freddie runs over but the hose is too short and he falls knocked out cold JASON (cont'd) Slackin on the job, ill do this Jason grabs the hose and puts it out, Freddie then begins to wake up FREDDIE (drowsy) whats going on? What time is it? JASON Shit man, you got knocked out quicker than the time when i slipped somethin into your drink, heh FREDDIE I had a dream though JASON Yea? FREDDIE I got my job back through the universal art JASON Hard-core po-- FREDDIE NO! Music, don't you have a band? JASON Yeah , The shit Weasels FREDDIE Can you change the name? JASON Why man? FREDDIE Maybe if you guys can play we can draw a crowd big enough that the boss will have to hire me back. JASON Ok, but the name stays, it goes well with the band FREDDIE Alright start to make the proper arrangements JASON Well see them tomorrow, till then, you hit your head pretty heard you better get some shut eye FREDDIE But when your contused you shouldn't sleep right? JASON Too late, i already fed ya pills when you were knocked out FREDDIE You assh- (falls asleep) JASON Heh, bastard Jason goes to get a bowl of warm water Cut to the next morning and Freddie wet himself FREDDIE DAMMIT not again JASON You gotta get help for that man FREDDIE Eh Fuck it, I'm hungry JASON I made some eggs, I didn't want them all FREDDIE Cool Freddie looks at the eggs, there purple with grease all over them FREDDIE (cont'd) Uhh, ill pass JASON Ok , then well go and get something from Mcdees on the way Cut to them at McDonald's eating cheeseburgers JASON (cont'd) Alright I'm gonna get another, you want anything? I mean , i know you don't have a job and money has been pretty tight lately FREDDIE It hasn't even been 24 hours you fat fuck JASON I know, and yet its still tearing you apart on the inside, heh FREDDIE Nah, I'm cool, I'm not that hungry anymore JASON Then we gotta go, the band is meeting us in an hour FREDDIE Where? JASON The old K-Mart FREDDIE Oh (looks confused) Cut to them in front of one of those toy rocket ships in front of K-Mart JASON You know what, we should steal this FREDDIE While I'm sure it has many other uses besides "children's pleasure toy" i just cant see it of being any use in our house JASON Well what if we have a birthday party for one of the kids in school, I mean he'd want to ride it wouldn't he FREDDIE Were grown men last time I checked we didn't have any little kid--- oh, Wait you never graduated the fifth grade JASON They said i have to be back on the 28th FREDDIE At least you'll be the biggest kid in class JASON Screw you, and Ill be able to kick there asses in basketball too FREDDIE You know i doubt that remember the last time you tried to play basketball Flash back to him in a crowd of black people wearing 70's style basketball gear JASON Lets get this party started Then techno dance music blares and just quick cuts of Jason getting embarrassed by street ball moves Cut back to Jason and Freddie JASON (cont'd) You know I still think they cheated Freddie looks out into the distance FREDDIE I think that's them JASON Who else would come to a closed K Mart for a little bit of money FREDDIE Martha Stewart? JASON Cheap shot FREDDIE Piss off The band rolls up in front of them, they look shabby but good enough for Freddie *note- there are five members of the band Guitar-snot, Drummer- mongo, Bass- Hevey Levey, and Jason as the vocals, but he goes by the name of Zombie Pimp in the band* SNOT Sup ,'Pimp who's the bitch? JASON He's my friend Freddie, he can play a mean jug SNOT Wait a second, your name is Jason and his name is Freddie, like "nightmare" and "Friday" right? Cut to Jason wearing a shirt from Friday the 13th and Freddie wearing a shirt from nightmare on elm street JASON What are ya talkin about? FREDDIE Yes, very odd SNOT Er, nevermind MONGO So whats up anyways? HEVEY LEVEY Yeah? JASON Well Freddie fucked up his job and now he's begging for our help FREDDIE I hate you so much JASON (LOOKS AT FREDDIE) But we still gotta help him and hey a little publicity for the band cant be all that bad SNOT So where we gonna play at? JASON At Old Tyme Pizza, the band plays , gets a strong showing, people buy pizza and BICKITY BAM, Freddie has his minimum wage job he so much deserves SNOT Never been there, but you heard the man, the zombie has spoken JASON Damn straight, we play on Friday Band waves goodbye and drives away FREDDIE So are you guys any good? JASON Hell no, we suck ass dude, but don't worry its all good man, well create a little word of mouth, and before ya know it you'll be back in Old Tyme making pizzas FREDDIE Kick ass JASON Until then, just stay at the house and Ill keep up with this FREDDIE Keep up? All you do is watch"days of our lives" and eat the customers pizza JASON But yet your the one collecting unemployment, ironic isn't it? FREDDIE My god i hate you Cut to Freddie at his house reading the classified, Jason walks in naked FREDDIE (cont'd) Sauce again? JASON Fuck you Jason goes into another room and changes, he comes back and see Freddie looking for jobs. He rips the paper from him JASON (cont'd) THIS IS GONNA WORK MAN FREDDIE How? You've made plans before and they've always ended up with fire and the death of my loved ones JASON Dude, the only reason i blew up your car is because I was making smores and I didn't know there was gasoline in the back FREDDIE Why would you light in a car, MY CAR! JASON Shut up I was drunk and I locked myself in. And its not like you can resist the call of smores. FREDDIE So you've actually eaten a smore? JASON No i forgot the crackers but i was really close, and we both know its mister stay puft and the marshmallow madness that keeps me coming back for more FREDDIE Yeah Both look into the sky thinking about marshmallows Cut to them in the backyard roasting marshmallows FREDDIE (cont'd) So we got the band, but not the money, then how do we spread word of mouth? JASON Well we could hire some midgets to dance in front of the store and raise eyebrows Freddie rubs his fingers together JASON (cont'd) Dammit FREDDIE Plus that's just stupid JASON I got an idea, this one time i was tying to make copies, so the guy fixin it was nice to me and gave me free copies FREDDIE And...... Cut to Lee putting a hammer to a copier Jason and Freddie are being applauded at the library JASON See man everything works out Lee in the back ground being arrested JASON (cont'd) And no one gets in trouble Cut to Freddie and Jason putting up nudie bar signs at the pizza place, the signs say "featuring live bands and girls. *In fine print* "girls and nudie bars are subject to change" Cut to them at a park filled with children FREDDIE Why are we here? JASON Mess with the kids, cause a scandal then BAM instant publicity Time goes by and they just sit there bored JASON (cont'd) Dude what kind of men would come to a park to mess with kids? FREDDIE Uhhhhh, men like Michael Jackson? JASON What is it with you and celebrity cheap shots today? FREDDIE What? They were funny JASON Sure they were, anyway, I'm fuckin hungry, were can go that's any good FREDDIE Nothing around here JASON What about that one bar? FREDDIE You got kicked out remember? Flash back to Jason puking every where in a bar and then getting thrown out Cut back to them at the park JASON (CONFUSED) Nooooo, and I was drunk, thus I remember nothing, so file that under D for "duh" FREDDIE Jackass, hey what about that? Shot of a kid about to eat his lunch JASON Hmm good idea Jason grabs the lunch from the kid KID RAPE! RAPE RAPE RAPE!!! Both of them begin to run away FREDDIE I was kidding JASON (CHEWING ON FOOD) HEY KIDS GO AND SEE THE SHIT WEASELS AT OLD TYME PIZZA! Cut to a news reporter at the park doing a special news segment "perverts at the park" REPORTER This very park is where innocent children were grossly ad wrongly molested by what the children have described of looking like this A picture of bigfoot flashes on the screen REPORTER (cont'd) But a more reliable source have found pictures of one of the child molesters Another picture flashes on the screen, it is a picture of Jason in a bikini JASON (V.O.) Shit, that must of fallen out of my wallet FREDDIE (V.O.) Why did you carry that around in your wallet? Camera pans over to show Freddie and Jason watching Tv JASON Nevermind that! We got instant fame, this is more than enough to get people talking Cut back to television REPORTER Also, the man in the picture screamed for the children to see the *BLEEP* weasels at Old Tyme Pizza. For your viewing pleasure we have decided to recreate this horrifying event Cut to a black and white video of Jason (who looks nothing like Jason, he's over age and has a scar on his face, an eye patch and a hook for a hand) holding a kid up against a wall JASON YOU BETTER GO TO OLD TYME AND SEE THE *BLEEP* WEASELS! Cut back to reporter REPORTER As you can see, these men are monsters and we will be protesting if they play! Cut to different people watching the news station UNKNOWN MALE Dude, we gotta check this out UNKNOWN MALE 2 You know it Unknown male 2 passes a bong to his buddy Cut to different house UNKNOWN FEMALE 1 Child Molesters! If he looks like that I want him to molest me! UNKNOWN MALE 3 Freak Cut to different house A couple dressed in bed leather bondage WIFE The weasels, sounds okay HUSBAND Yeah A whip cracks Cut back to Jason and Freddie FREDDIE Well I gotta admit, we are a real attraction now. JASON Yup, well we better hit the hay, or I had anyway. I still have a job to go to. FREDDIE HA! Like you would ever go to work on time. JASON Ohhh Ill show you, smartass Jason storms into his room Cut to next day with Freddie waking up walking into living room and seeing Jason playing Super Mario Brothers FREDDIE Hmm a genuine classic, Super Ron Jeremy Brothers JASON Shut up man (giggles) I'm in the zone FREDDIE THE COCK! JUMP JUMP! NICE JOB! Shot of Mario jumping on a mushroom JASON Stop you asshole FREDDIE Okay beat that abusive husband, the dragon or whatever the hell you call it. Bang the WHORE! Damn you Da man. Shot of Mario kissing the princess JASON Hmm I thought she was gonna be in another castle. Freddie looks at a clock on his wall FREDDIE I though you were gonna go in early, your already a hour late JASON FUCK! Jason runs out of his house in his underwear Later in the day at the pizza shop, Freddie comes in and Jason greets him still without his pants FREDDIE Ya know, you should get some pants on JASON Ya know, um Fuck You FREDDIE (SIGHS) Well its Thursday, What now? JASON Well we gotta get the bands stuff in here FREDDIE The instruments? JASON Ya that too FREDDIE Uh, okay JASON But I lost my keys so were gonna need yours FREDDIE Didn't you know where you going JASON I was very confused at the time Freddie looks at him sternly JASON (cont'd) WHAT! The key broke inside of the lock and then i got jumped FREDDIE It was the white house Jason JASON Well ya they told me that after the cavity search, heh Freddie shakes his head FREDDIE Anyway, when? Tonight? JASON Ya tonight after closing. Well just turn off the cameras like usual and go in a hour or so later. Cut to later that night, there in front of the shop JASON (cont'd) Ok give me the key Freddie tries to take the key off the ring but he messes up and it falls into the sewer FREDDIE FUCK JASON Can i count on you for anything? Don't worry , there's an opening a couple of blocks down. FREDDIE How do you know JASON Woke up there once FREDDIE Ugh sounds disgusting. Cut to them in the sewer with flashlights JASON This is kinda like that movie "IT", and the part where the clown was in the sewer with the kid who lost his paper boat. An the clown offered him some balloons, remember that? FREDDIE Shut up man, I hated that movie JASON You mean it scared the sh- wait look over there. A balloon floats past them FREDDIE Its probably just a flushed condom JASON Yeah, that's all A paper boat floats past them FREDDIE C'mon, lets hurry up JASON I'm scared FREDDIE Me too, me too.... They farther down and by the end there holding each other when Freddie sees the key FREDDIE (cont'd) There it is! Lets get the hell outta here Jason sees a red clown wig JASON AHHHHH! FREDDIE Oh SHIT! They run out of the sewer and jump right into pool of water Cut back to he pizza shop, low angle just showing there feet when they walk in. There feet are soaked FREDDIE (cont'd) That really sucked JASON Yeah, the second time was worse FREDDIE Don't remind me, so wheres your band with the instruments? JASON Should be any minute FREDDIE I'm gonna go to the bath room and clean up JASON Yeah Freddie goes to the bath room and washes his hands, when he comes back the band is there setting everything up FREDDIE When you guys get here? SNOT Just a minute ago. Whats your name again? FREDDIE Names Freddie SNOT Oh yeah, like "nightmare" and "Friday", heh Cut to Freddie wearing the famous sweater and Jason wearing the mask JASON I still don't know where your going with that. MONGO Well, were done until tomorrow. What time tomorrow JASON Same time, right after closing SNOT Cool, see ya then The band leaves FREDDIE So that's it, you guys just play. No practice or anything? JASON Nope, were just that damn good. FREDDIE I bet The next day, Freddie is as nervous as can be sitting on a couch. Hes listening to Jason snoring from his bedroom. Freddie pounds on the wall to wake him up. JASON Some body better have died FREDDIE Shut up , its morning and like always your running about an hour late. Freddie walks over to the bedroom FREDDIE (cont'd) My head fuckin hurts, you got anything? JASON Ya pills in the bathroom Freddie walks over to the bathrom and grabs some pill, while Jason starts to get dressed and practice some songs. Freddie walks back into the bedroom. Jason is wearing a skin tight leather pants JASON (cont'd) Big day man. What ya think FREDDIE What ever floats your boat. (giggles) JASON Piss off you fucker. You wouldn't know stye if it bit you on the ass. JASON (cont'd) Well in those pants, Style wouldn't have a hard time finding your ass, heh Jason looks at his ass and it is huge JASON (cont'd) Ya think the ladies will like what they see? FREDDIE Um, yeah sure JASON HELLLS YEAH! Cut to them at work, people walk in asking when the show will start. There doing nothing as usual. Freddie has his face in his hands while Jason is rolling dough listening to horrible death metal. 2 concert goers enter CONCERT GOER Whens the show gonna start? FREDDIE Jesus Christ, TURN THAT FUCKING SHIT OFF! Anyway sorry about that. Around 8ish, K? CONCERT GOER All right man cool He walks out while some one else walks in CONCERT GOER 2 Whens the concert? FREDDIE About 8 or so (sighs) CONCERT GOER 2 Whats wrong? FREDDIE Well I'm just on end about this whole thing, Jason doesn't care, but I'm scared about it CONCERT GOER 2 Jason? THE JASON? OH MY GOD? Hey Sarah look. JASON REALLY WORKS HERE FREDDIE Oh god dammit Jason walks up to the counter JASON Whats up man? FREDDIE These people would like to meet you JASON Okay, hey hows it goin (looks suave) hows it flowin? SARAH ITS REALLY YOU! Do you still have the thong? JASON If I'm wearing it right now, would you wanna see it? SARAH YES! Do you mind Ted? TED Not if its Jason! SARAH YAY! JASON YAY! They walk into the bathroom together. Shot of a clock, it moves one minutes. Jason walks out with his pants on backwards with his thong in his hand JASON (cont'd) Oh yeah man FREDDIE There more out there for ya too A shot of many people waiting in the parking lot. Some have sighs saying "JASON" JASON Damn, this is big huh FREDDIE Real big Some one new walks in the store. The person is wearing a shirt with Freddie and Jasons heads on it and giant red X's over them PROTESTER I presume you 2 are Freddie and Jason Freddie looks at the shirt FREDDIE Um, N- JASON Of course we are! PROTESTER Well then your are SINNERS, much like the movies you represent, you are sick monsters. Cut to Freddie wearing the "nightmare" Sweater, hat and glove. Jason is wearing the "Friday" Mask , machete and torn up clothes JASON Why does everyone keep saying that? Cut back to protester PROTESTER And further more, you two sh- JASON Get the hell outta here Jason pushes the protester out of the pizza shop FREDDIE Geez, maybe the news story wasn't such a good idea. I mean, yeah we got fans but we also got psychos like that hunting us down. I don't think the boss will like that very much. JASON C'mon man, don't wimp out now, Were gonna get your job back and make a shit load of money along the way FREDDIE I hope Cut to outside where fans are yelling and waving. Freddie walks on the stage FREDDIE (cont'd) The show will go on in 10 minutes Jason walks on the stage, the crowd starts to chant "JASON" FREDDIE (cont'd) Wheres the guys at? JASON THERE THEY ARE! Here we go man Jason runs off stage. The band goes to there instruments and settles into them SNOT Were ready man Jason comes back onto stage in a cape and a shirt proclaiming himself as DA ZOMBIE PIMP The boss drives up and see the crowd at first he's happy but then he sees the sign for a concert, he gets pissed again. He Runs out and interrupts Jasons entrance. JASON What the fuck fat man, oh wait hey boss hows it goin, heh BOSS What the hell is going on here? JASON Listen this was mine and Freddie's idea, were gonna play for these people and the buy-in is at least 2 slices of pizza. BOSS Not a bad idea at all, you should have told me though you little asshole. I'm not hiring back Freddie unless you make big bucks. And even then, the only reason I haven't fired you is because no one else wants the job. I've been looking JASON ALRIGHT, may I play now? The boss looks at him angrily and walks down to the front of the crowd. Jason goes to the band and talks to them a little then he looks out to the crowd. JASON (cont'd) HELLO EVERY ONE! Were the Shit Weasels and were here to ROCK YOUR FUCKING SOCKS OFF! I hope everyone bought some pizza? cut to the crowd holding up pizza JASON (cont'd) Okay then. 1,2,3,4 Snot holds up his hand and gets ready to go down on the guitar when some one fires a gun. The crowd panic and Jason goes over to the boss whose been shot in the chest JASON (cont'd) WHO THE FUCK DID THIS!? Cut to the top of a hill where a group of protesters are standing, one has a rifle. They have signs " NO MORE CHILD MOLESTERS" PROTESTER Thats what he gets for hiring sickos PROTESTERS (ALL) YEAH! They get in the van and drive away. Cut back to Jason holding the boss and Freddie runs up FREDDIE What the fuck is going on? BOSS Jason..... JASON Yeah? BOSS Go into the back (coughs up blood) heres the key The Boss dies. Jason takes the key JASON FREDDIE, he's dead. FREDDIE HE'S DEAD The crowd goes AWW FREDDIE What did he mean by going in the back JASON His little black secret box FREDDIE Lets go Jason drops the body and the crowd follows him. They get to the back and opens up the box. They find a will. Jason begins to read the will out loud. JASON ......and Whoever is under me in seniority at Old Tyme Pizza shall be become the rightful owner. And I wish to be buried behind the store, my greatest accomplishment. Jason thinks to himself JASON (cont'd) Oh shit, im the boss now! FREDDIE You know what that means JASON No FREDDIE Ugh, you can hire me back now! JASON I guess I can, but I see no reason too, you dont work very hard FREDDIE I work harder than you fat ass JASON Then why am I the boss? FREDDIE I hate you so much Fade to black Fade in epilogue JASON (V.O.) I made old tyme pizza more money than it had ever made, with a hip new set up and weekly concerts by various bands. Rumor has it that David Bowie is interested in a one night show Shot of Jason in a suit behind the counter he walks in front of the counter. He's still in his underwear and is covered in pizza sauce JASON (V.O.) (cont'd) I decided to hire back Freddie. He seems content even though I pay him minimum wage, heh Shot of Freddie reading a magazine at the counter. People walk behind the counter and get anything they want and he doesn't care. He just flips a page. JASON (V.O.) (cont'd) Lee finally got a girlfriend who would fulfill his "Donny Osmond" fantasy. They are very happy together Shot of Lee crying tied to a chair, he's wearing a Donny Osmond t-shirt JASON (V.O.) (cont'd) The boss was buried behind the store as he wished. I swear I saw him rise from the grave once, but I did have alotta shots that night..... Shot of a spray painted tomb stone. It says: The boss, No One Liked You. Cut to black JASON (V.O.) (cont'd) And as for the protester who shot our boss, he died of renal failure. |