BILL & TED'S
SHAGADELIC HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE
THE EXCELLENT MENACE
(This is not your father's bill & ted)
James-Michael Roddy
Show Development
Universal Studios Florida - Halloween Horror Nights
8/11/99
Draft 4.0
As we enter the Wild West Arena, the air is filled with excitement generating
top- forty mainstream hits. The stage is bathed in a low light, creating a
mood of mystery. At five minutes to show, we are welcomed to the show by the
following voice-over.
V.O.
Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to Bill and Ted's Shagadelic Halloween
Adventure - The Excellent Menace!
We here at Universal Studios want you to enjoy the show, so please take
caution of the following:
This show contains Pyrotechnics. It can get quite loud and startle young
children or older patrons. If you are sitting next to one of these - move
quickly!
This show contains water effects. If you are sitting in one of the clearly
designated splash zones, you obviously are going to be bathed in cold
recycled water. If you are concerned by this.. Again.. Move quickly! This
show contains Rock and Roll! If you are offended by this type of music - Get
out! You won't enjoy this show at all! Now please sit back, enjoy the show,
and Party on Dudes!
The music begins for "Relax" as the lights fade to half.
As the music finishes our lights fade down completely. A voice-over begins
our show. It is ominous in tone and matter of fact.
V.O.
In October of Nineteen-Ninety-Eight two time-traveling teenagers, Bill S.
Preston Esquire, and Ted "Theodore" Logan created havoc, and mayhem. Shortly
afterwards.. the Two teens disappeared. One Year Later.. we return to their
last known location.
A flashlight beam draws our attention to centerstage. The flashlight beam
is placed underneath the character's face, revealing the presumed missing
documentary filmmaker HEATHER DONAHUE, complete with flannel and knit cap.
She speaks in the over-dramatized fashion of her character from The Blair
Witch project.
HEATHER
I am soooooooooo sorry. It's my fault! We went into the woods and.. I lost
the map. It's all my fault. Wait! Listen.. Do you hear that?
The Flannel-wearing female filmmaker screams and runs offstage left.
Lights start to illuminate the small area stage right as
we see JIM and MICHELLE, two high school seniors from Universal's hit summer
teen comedy American Pie, enter.
JIM
This is the place. No one ever comes here. It's supposed to be haunted.
MICHELLE
You know one time at Band Camp we told Ghost stories, and I got really
scared.. I mean really scared.
She laughs at her own anecdote
JIM
That's great Michelle..
MICHELLE
And then one time at Band Camp.. I stuck my flute up my..
JIM
SHHHHHH! Do you hear something?
MICHELLE
No.. So are we gonna make out.. because I'm getting kinda antsy..
The two teens start to make out, the band camp girl definitely being the more
aggressive.
A spotlight suddenly focuses on the hay bale.
We hear the triumphant 'theme' from the original wild Wild West television
show. The bombastic score interrupts the two promiscuous teens. The door
swings open and out steps WILL SMITH as old meets new.
The music segues into the hip hit Wild Wild West. A group of female dancers
in various forms of western lingerie fill the staging area, backing Will as
he performs the song. Our two teens rush offstage as the musical number
starts our show.
The abridged dance number finishes. Suddenly the lights dim, and we hear the
approaching sound of something mechanical and futuristic. A burst of CO2
between signals the arrival of the infamous time-traveling phone booth of
Bill S. Preston "Esquire" and Ted "Theodore" Logan. The dancers scatter,
screaming offstage in multiple locations.
Will Rolls for cover and takes a position behind a series of crates and
barrels upstage. The Phone Booth finally settles.
We see someone trying to slide open the phone booth door, with great
difficulty.
DR. EVIL
(offstage)
Ack! Could someone please cut me some friggin' slack here?
The door opens finally opens and out steps the bald figure of DR. EVIL. He
carries a stuffed Mr. Bigglesworth, his trusty feline.
DR. EVIL
You were expecting someone else? Hello good people. I have come here tonight
with a vision. This is a "film" set. I have come here to this "film" set to
take over the "film" industry. I will inundate the entertainment field with
the most offensive, graphic, violent, and disgusting images, as well as
lucrative merchandise franchises that include inappropriate toys for kids..
all in a coldly calculating attempt to tap the mass moron market.. We will
start with you.
The nefarious Doctor motions to the audience.
DR. EVIL
I have a nefarious plan. I will use this time-traveling phone booth to bring
the mega-stars of the industry here to star in my "film." I will hold all of
you captive. We can then ransom you in exchange for the budget for the first
of my carnage- filled, foul-mouthed, society-destroying animated films. More
money than has ever been spent on a Hollywood movie! A whopping Two-Hundred
Million dollars!!
WILL SMITH
Not so fast baldy!!
DR. EVIL
Well, well, well, an authentic western cowboy. If it isn't the fresh prince
of Egypt.. Look everyone - the new sheriff is a..
Will fires his gun towards the sky.
WILL SMITH
That'll be enough out of you.. Dr. Rogain!
DR. EVIL
I don't think so..
Dr. Evil claps his hands, calling a tiny figure from the phone booth. It is a
three-foot high copy of Dr. Evil.
DR. EVIL
He is the meaning in my life, he is my inspiration.. Mini-Me!
The miniature mean midget stands ready with the long, cylindrical ray rifle
pointed towards our western hero.
Will drops his six-gun to the ground.. defeated.
DR. EVIL
Not so "giggy" now are we? My miniature me holds in his tiny little chubby
hands a ray powerful enough to pulverize any city at will. I like to call it
my "Death Star".
Will Smith snickers.
DR. EVIL
What?
WILL SMITH
(snickering again)
Nothing Darth.
DR. EVIL
What did you call me?
WILL SMITH
Nothing.
(pretends to sneeze)
Rip-off!
DR. EVIL
Shhhh!
WILL SMITH
I beg your pardon?
DR. EVIL
Do you hear that? It's a little doggie barking.. Hush Puppy! Now, as I was
saying.. I have a partner in my quest. A giant in the industry. I believe you
all know him.
We hear the raspy mechanically altered sound of heavy Breathing. The ominous
"Imperial March" plays as light illuminates from the interior of the saloon.
A heavily cloaked figure steps out from the shadows. The cloak slips off to
reveal MICHAEL JACKSON, complete with breathing mask, and futuristic sequined
glove. The music segues into the Jackson hit "Smooth Criminal."
DR. EVIL
May I introduce you to Wacko Jacko!
MICHAEL JACKSON
You've been hit by a smooth criminal.. Whose Bad! Jam On.. Whose Bad! Jam On!
Jam On!
DR. EVIL
What does that mean?
We hear the soul-stirring 'soul bossa - nova" as the doors to the barn slide
open. A spiral pattern appears on a flat paper surface, recreating the cheesy
time-traveling effect from the film. Suddenly, the Shaguar bursts through,
trailing a cloud of smoke. It screeches to a stop, as BILL S. PRESTON, TED
"THEODORE" LOGAN, and AUSTIN POWERS jump out. Bill and Ted immediately
confront the bald bad-guy.
AUSTIN
Don't move baby!!
DR. EVIL
Well if it isn't my arch rival and fellow Canadian.
Bill storms up to the diabolical doctor.
BILL
You Bald-Butthead. You totally swiped our phone booth. That was most heinous
and uncool.
TED
How Rude!
DR. EVIL
Oh I'm sorry. Really. Who are you?
BILL
I am Bill S. Preston "esquire"!
TED
And I am Ted "Theodore" Logan!
BILL & TED
And we are.. Wild Stalions!!
BILL
We were in the middle of time-traveling to all the summer movie audiences and
warning them about the abysmal disappointing films, when that maniacal
munchkin jumped us. What an ugly summer too..
TED
No doubt.. Wild Wild Waste.
BILL
Eyes Bored Shut!
TED
Lake Flaccid!
BILL
Bore Wars.. Episode Pointless.. The Phantom Suckfest!
TED
The Blah Witch project.. oh wait.. camera technique!
The two teens shake, recreating the hand-held cinematic nightmare of the
low-budget film.
BILL
That's when we realized our good friend here could give us a hand. A true box
office giant.
TED
Yes. Plus He showed us the meaning of Pie!
AUSTIN
Three point one four baby!!!
DR. EVIL
How wickedly perfect that you dropped by.. Well, Mini me.. I think we have
found our first test subjects for the DEATH STAR!
Bill and Ted obviously don't understand the seriousness of the situation.
BILL AND TED
Excellent!
TED
Close the blast doors!
BILL
Into the garbage chute fly boy!
DR. EVIL
It will alter your molecular structure, breaking it down to a puddle of
bio-genetic goo!
BILL AND TED
Bogus!
DR. EVIL
Asta La Vista.. baby! Prepare to die!!!
Mini Me levels the death star at our two teen heroes. As he prepares to fire
the lethal weapon, We hear the stirring "Main theme from Matrix". Lighting
focuses behind our audience, where we find none other than KEANU REEVES,
dressed in his Matrix Computer wear, but speaking with the voice of Ted.
He slides from the back of house across and above our audience, kicking his
feet and landing atop the Saloon. He quickly turns to face our bad guys,
taking a martial arts defensive posture.
KEANU
WHOA!
BILL
We arranged for some back-up!
FELICITY SHAGWELL appears atop the saloon balcony. Felicity draws her
revolver and levels it at the bad guys. She strikes three very provocative
poses.
That's when we hear the triumphant Danny Elfman "theme" from the Mystery Men.
Lighting reveals three of our home-made heroes making their entrance via the
arena stairways. They are THE SPLEEN, THE SHOVELER, and THE BOWLER.
We hear a building scream of rage as MISTER FURIOUS enters from stage left.
He screams racing up onto the gallows and jumping towards our villains. They
step out of the way as Furious lands hard onto the floor (crash Pad). He
quickly returns to his feet, trying to save face as he confronts the
villains.
MISTER FURIOUS
What's up tiger lily?
THE BOWLER
Let's do some carnage!
AUSTIN
You're Shagged!!!!
DR. EVIL
I don't think so..
Dr. Evil produces a small revolver from his jacket and fires blindly into the
air. Our heroes scatter ducking the madman's bullets. Evil continues to fire
as he and Michael Jackson flee into the booth.
Mini-Me drops the laser and starts to run. He makes it inside the booth as
Will Smith grabs him by the ankles.(Quick switch from live actor to
mini-sized dummy) The Mini-madman is tossed from Will to Ted to Mister
Furious. We hear the gnawing sound of biting as the tiny terror fights for
survival.
MISTER FURIOUS
Batter up!!!
Mister Furious tosses our pint-sized problem child at the Shoveler. The
Shoveler takes a swing with his trusty shovel and sends the bad-guy flying
towards the downstage Gallows.
The Deadly dwarf (second Mini-actor who has been concealed since the
beginning of the show) suddenly jumps up and spits at our heroes. He shoots
them an "up yours" and flees offstage. The misfit heroes all try to grab him
as he avoids them like a miniature football player heading for a touchdown.
As he exits, the heroes recover as introductions are made.
BILL
Total wicked rescue attempt my box office and home-made heroes.
MISTER FURIOUS
Excellent? If it weren't for these clowns we would have had them!
THE SHOVELER
Now, there's no call for that..
AUSTIN
Whoa! Who are you groovy guys anyway?
TED
Yeah we called for back-up.. but we asked for super-heroes!
The homemade heroes introduce themselves to our teens. Each one takes
centerstage as they do.
THE SHOVELER
We are super heroes!
MISTER FURIOUS
They Call me.. MISTER FURIOUS!
THE SHOVELER
(twirling his shovel)
I prefer to shovel it in.. Which is why they call me.. The Shoveler!
The THE BOWLER steps forward, neurotic and gothic.
THE BOWLER
My father was a super hero.. but was murdered by being sucked into a
blender.. So, I dropped out of school, became a mud wrestler, married,
divorced, and hit rock bottom. But then I found my Father's old bowling bag
and costume, almost like he'd left them there for me.. and I knew what I had
to do.. I am the Bowler!
She returns to the line-up.
THE SPLEEN
I'm the Spleen..
TED
And what do you do repulsive dude?
THE SPLEEN
Want to know my power? Pull my finger..
MISTER FURIOUS
Don't do it.
Ted pulls the Smelly Superheroes finger. A burst of air blows out of the back
of The Spleen's trenchcoat and knocking Ted to the ground.
The freshly foul scented teen recovers as Bill helps him to his feet.
MR. FURIOUS
(screams)
We need to stop dicking around and get serious here.
FELICITY
Yes. If Evil's plan works we'll all be forced to clean up our acts and rely
on acting instead of long legs and curves..
The blonde babe strikes three more provocative poses.
BILL
No problem, my antagonistic friend and bodacious babe. We'll just call them
back using this.
Bill produces a cellular phone from his back pocket.
BILL
We'll just bring that follically-challenged fiend and his surgically-altered,
pop-music buddy back here.. and when they open the door..
The Spleen starts mock firing the huge death ray towards the audience
THE SPLEEN
Pow! Pow!
THE SHOVELER
Hey watch it with that. You could kill somebody!
The Shoveler pushes the Ray away from the audience.
THE SPLEEN
Hey what does this switch do?
The ray sparks to life spraying a mist(CO2) towards Bill and Ted. An eruption
of colored smoke and pyro explodes between the Silvermine and Saloon
concealing the area.
Our Mysterious characters hit the ground. When the smoke clears we find a
puddle of black goop and charred bodies where Bill and Ted once stood.
THE SPLEEN
oops!
AUSTIN
CRIKEY!!!!
MISTER FURIOUS
Oh My God! You killed Bill and Ted.. You Bastard! You idiot! You friggin
moron! What have we done!
The heroes rush over toward the bodies. The Bowler reaches down and picks up
what was left of Bill's ball cap.
FELICITY
Ugh!
MISTER FURIOUS
We've killed them!
THE SHOVELER
What do you mean we? I was standing over here the entire time!
Mister Furious picks up the cell phone.
MISTER FURIOUS
This does not look good on a resume! Now what do we do?
THE BOWLER
Maybe we should call 911 or something?
WILL SMITH
Nothing personal.. but you guys are idiots!
MISTER FURIOUS
Don't mess with me man. I'm a volcano. I will get Pompeii on your butt!
WILL SMITH
Well how 'bout I open a can of whoop ass on your butt.
THE BOWLER
The testosterone level is a little intense here..
THE SHOVELER
Stop it! Black Bart here is right..
Triumphant music underscores The Shoveler as he rallies the rest of the
Mystery Men.
THE SHOVELER
We're not your classic Super-heroes.. we're not your favorites. We're the
other guys. We're the guys nobody ever bets on. Those boys were innocent
bystanders. More victims of the evil Hollywood system. We've got a blind date
with destiny.. and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. I say we use this
cell phone and bring those bastards back for a good come-uppence!
AUSTIN
Is there any other way baby!!! Yeah!
Mister Furious screams in approval. The rest of our would be heroes stare
blankly at him.
MISTER FURIOUS
Let's do it!
Mister Furious runs down centerstage flanked by the other Mystery Men. Our
other Heroes take various positions around the stage.
The Mystery Men clump together and give their trademark hand signal.
Then Mister Furious dials in the number. The telecommunications Time Machine
makes it's approach, reappearing amidst a barrage of smoke and light.
The opening strains of "BAD TO THE BONE" fills the air as the door slides
open and Dr. Evil and Michael Jackson exit the booth.
DR. EVIL
I told you.. I'd Be Back!!
The music segues into the shock rock anthem "Beautiful People" as MARILYN
MANSON saunters out of the booth.
The macabre musician takes a stand stage left.
The music segues into the ominous main theme from "Phantom Menace" as JAR JAR
BINKS unexpectedly stumbles out juggling futuristic balls.
JAR JAR
Steady! Steady!!!
DR. EVIL
That's not what I ordered..
MICHAEL JACKSON
But he sure is cute..
DR. EVIL
(losing it)
I DON'T WANT CUTE.. I DON'T WANT CUTE IN A STAR WARS MOVIE. I DON'T WANT
EWOKS! I DON'T WANT MUPPETS! I DON'T WANT ROGER RABBIT!!!
There is a moment of silence as everyone looks at Dr. Evil and Jar Jar. Dr.
Evil shoots the Goofy Gillman back through the saloon doors, illiciting a
response from the audience.
The music begins again as DARTH MAUL arrives. The villainous Dark Lord of
the Sith steps out of the booth, his duel-sided lightsaber ready.
DR. EVIL
And just when you thought it was bad.. wait for it!!
A smaller version of the dreaded dark lord of the sith steps out, complete
with miniature lightsaber.
DR. EVIL
I call him Mini-Maul!!!!!!
Another figure steps from the booth. It is a beautiful body of a bikini-clad
dancer with the face of Darth Maul.
DR. EVIL
And this is Strip Maul!
The Dark Jedi dancer bumps and grinds centerstage.
THE SHOVELER
I'm repulsed and attracted at the same time..
MINI-MAUL
Wipe them out.. all of them!
The villains chase our heroes to various positions around stage as action
music sets the scene of chaos.
Darth Maul pursues The Shoveler and The Blue Raja who screams like a little
girl. Mini-Maul chases The Spleen and Mister Furious, clearing the stage as
Austin and Felicity square off against the pale and disturbing Marilyn
Manson.
AUSTIN
I'm a lover not a fighter baby!!!
FELICITY
This wannabe chick is toast!
The beautiful bombshell delivers a series of well placed hits sending the
rocker reeling, but he will not go down.
Austin quickly grabs hold of the thin chain connecting the rocker's pierced
ear and nipple and pulls. The gender-bending rocker screams.
The Rocker rears back his head revealing two long vampire fangs. He hisses at
Austin who jumps into Felicity's waiting arms.
AUSTIN
Crikey's He's a Vampire!!
We hear the 'Opening Theme' from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" as BUFFY rappels
from the ceiling. Landing safely, she quickly retrieves a stake and a can of
hairspray from her backpack.
BUFFY
I'll handle this one!!
FELICITY
It's Buffy the Vampire Sprayer?
She stabs the rocker, sending the wooden shaft into the undead rocker's
chest, then quickly teases her hair. Blood squirts from the wound, as Buffy
kicks the stake deeper into the Vampire musician's heart. A final kick sends
Manson into the well. We hear him scream as he falls to his certain death. He
lands, sending up a small spritz of water.
BUFFY
Dammit! I totally chipped a nail.
AUSTIN
Groovy moves baby, fancy a shag?
BUFFY
I can't. I'm late for class..
AUSTIN
Physical Education?
BUFFY
Acting 101..
She grabs her backpack and heads offstage.
KEANU appears and heads for the phone booth.
AUSTIN
Where are you going?
KEANU
I'm heading back in time.. to make sure I never do My Own Private Idaho,
Dracula, Chain Reaction, Johnny Mnemonic or A Walk in The Clouds.
With that the Leather clad surfer boy climbs into the booth and exits.
From the saloon stage left balcony we see Jim and Michelle re-emerge. Jim
steps out wearing his boxers from the film, while Michelle carries a flute
and an apple pie.
The music for Offspring's "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" begins as Jim performs
a quick victory dance. Michelle looks seductively at Jim.
MICHELLE
Want another slice?
Jim smiles and follows the flute-playing flirt back inside.
At that moment Will Smith re-emerges from stage left and Michael Jackson
enters from stage right. The classic western showdown music of Ennio
Morricone is heard. The music segues into Michael Jackson's hit "Black and
White" as the skinny superstar breaks into a series of familiar moves. In
response the Fresh Prince moves to his "Gettin Jiggy With it."
The showdown continues as each musical personality delivers a series of well
placed choreographed moves. It appears as if Jackson is winning.
MICHAEL JACKSON
I told you.. I'm the King of Pop!
Will Smith pauses for a brief moment and then delivers a shattering pop
himself. He bitch slaps Jackson who starts to cry.
WILL SMITH
If you can't stand the heat stay out of the wild wild west.
MICHAEL JACKSON
You knocked off my nose! Tito! Janet! Macauley!
Smith chases Jackson offstage right. The Evil Dr. appears with Mini-Me from
the balcony of the saloon and surveys the chaos. He carries with him a
plastic cup of beer.
DR. EVIL
Look Mini Me.. Someone left this perfectly good ale lying around. Well I
wouldn't want this to fall into the wrong hands.
The Doctor takes a sip of the frothy ale.
DR. EVIL
Hmmm. What an interesting taste..
Jim comes running out in his boxers from the balcony door next to Evil. He is
out of breath. He sees the Doctor and the beer. The Doctor looks at him and
then the beer, realizing that it is more than it seems. He spits the remnants
of the beer from his mouth as Jim cowers back inside.
DR. EVIL
My plan is not working as well as I hoped.. I believe it is now time for a
stupid plot device.. I have created time portals that will bring all of the
megastars of film, music and television here.. to star in my movie.
The Dr. Lifts a small cell-phone into the air. He presses the memory speed
dial button as we hear the quick tones punch into the dial pad. Our heroes
emerge in time to see the Doctor punch in the code.
Suddenly the lights begin a whirling effect that appears at various points
around the stage. A weird, mechanical sound fills the air.
FELICITY
It's a time portal, Evil must have torn the fabric of space. Now anyone can
show up!! This could be bad.
A Time spiral appears by the well. We hear a weird distortion, the sound of
something going terribly wrong.
MISTER FURIOUS
It's bringing in two different sources.. combining them.
From the well climbs Marilyn Manson but with long blond hair.
THE SHOVELER
Golly!
MISTER FURIOUS
Oh God.. It's.. It's.. It's Marilyn Hanson!!!
The Rocker starts to M-Bop - That's right - M-BOP. A true clash of pop and
shock rock. Realizing what has happened to him, the rocker goes screaming
offstage.
From Stage Right, our heroine filmmaker Heather Donahue, re-appears and runs
screaming offstage left.
The spiral re-appears near the roof of the auditorium as We hear the
beginning strains of Vonda Sheppard's "theme from Ally McBeal". From the roof
falls a skeleton dressed in mini-skirt and business jacket.
MISTER FURIOUS
It's that Ally Mcbeal girl!
THE SHOVELER
Well you know what they say.. You can't be too rich or too thin..
The spiral hits the ceiling. Two huge water balloons hit the cement in front
of the splash zone guests.
MISTER FURIOUS
There went Pamela Lee. She said she wanted to be known for her acting talents.
THE BOWLER
Those were her acting talents.
The malfunctioning spiral reappears settling on the front of the '1812'
building. We hear a building rumble.
Suddenly the wall erupts forward as the huge, obese form of FAT BASTARD
bursts through. He stands atop the water trough, his gelatinous form
quivering at every move. He is shirtless, dressed in lycra pants, complete
with headband.
FAT BASTARD
Get in my Belly!!!! Get in my belly! I'm higher on the food chain than you!
I'm the Lard of the Dance!!!
Fat Bastard starts to Riverdance - that's right - Riverdance. The Spleen
steps in front of our heroes and between them and the approaching obese
henchman.
THE SPLEEN
I've Got this one..
The fight music from Rocky begins as our two gaseous characters square off
like Sumo wrestlers.
THE SHOVELER
This is going to be ugly..
They attack. They grapple, each exertion releasing a vulgar and eruptive
sound. Fat Bastard sends the Spleen tumbling downstage. The rest of the
Mystery Men rush to his aid.
THE SPLEEN
This one is powerful. I need a boost.
The Bowler produces her trademark Bowling ball.
THE BOWLER
Here comes Daddy!
The Neurotic beauty sends the eight-pound weapon straight into Fat bastard's
lap.
MISTER FURIOUS
Right in the goodies..
THE SPLEEN
Quick Roy.. Pull my finger.
The Spleen turns his body, aims, and fires. Sparks ricochet off the fencing
as the blast sends the Fat Fiend sailing backwards into the well. We hear a
tremendous rumbling sound that builds in intensity. Suddenly the well erupts
with a flatulent explosion spraying our audience with water.
THE SPLEEN
Silent.. but deadly.
Darth Maul steps out to confront our mysterious Heroes. They scatter as the
Dark Jedi quickly flips(Mini-Tramp) over some crates, lands, and illuminates
his double-sided light saber.
MISTER FURIOUS
Whose gonna deal with him?
The spiral reappears and settles on the area between the Saloon and the
Silvermine. Red light illuminates the figure of Samuel L. Jackson who steps
out from the saloon doors. He is dressed as a Jedi Council Member, but has
the hairstyle and unrestrained speaking manner of his Pulp Fiction character.
A smaller form races out of the saloon doors. It is YODA.
Samuel L. Jackson produces his lightsaber from his belt and tries to power
it up. We hear the fizzling sound of the malfunctioning mechanism. He hits it
again.
AUSTIN
Here baby!
Austin throws our african-american jedi a bottle of pills.
THE SHOVELER
Mojo??
AUSTIN
It's better than Mojo baby.. It's Viagra!
The Gangster Jedi swallows two of the pills as his lightsaber begins to grow
and illuminate.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!!
He confronts the evil dark jedi.
YODA
Hmmm. More powerful than the original Star Wars you think you are? Ha!
DARTH MAUL
Here lizard, lizard, lizard.
The music for "Duel of The Fates" begins as Darth Maul and Samuel L. Jackson
clash sabers. The two Jedi Masters slash away at each other as Darth pushes
Samuel L. Jackson towards the downstage hitching post.
Darth Maul hacks away at Samuel with his saber, sparks and smoke rising from
the fence and hitching post as the beam grazes the wood.
Samuel L. Jackson races around the other side of the hitching post and makes
for the gallows with Darth Maul right behind him. He jumps atop the gallows,
using the hangman's noose to swing out into the house just as Darth Maul
reaches the platform behind him. Yoda pulls the gallows' lever, sending Darth
Maul to certain doom.
YODA
Yo Quiero Taco Bell?!
Our heroes cheer victory, when suddenly the lights dim.
A light reveals a special guest in our audience. Stepping down one of the
stairway aisles, we reveal JERRY SPRINGER, complete with wireless microphone.
We also see that Jerry's zipper is open, and his shirt tail is poking through.
JERRY SPRINGER
Hi. I'm Jerry Springer. And now for a final thought. Films today are filled
with violence, suggestive material and inappropriate situations. Look at this
show. So far we've had flatulence, shagging, fighting, adult language, and
political incorrectness.. Of course, I had nothing to do with it.. But I ask
you, Did you enjoy it? The bad guy's lost.. and the good guys.. well.. uh..
well okay they died.. you got us on that.. But I take no responsibility..
We hear a mysterious chord of music. Our two teen heroes emerge bathed in
blue light from the saloon.
BILL
Whoa! Jerry! What an excellent adventure!
JERRY
But you two died! We all saw it!
BILL
Dude - Fly check!!
Jerry quickly zips his pants up. We hear the sickening crunch and rip as
zipper meets flesh. Jerry screams in pain.
BILL
There's just something about Jerry! Dude.. We're not dead.. we're in the
Matrix!
TED
(WINKING TO THE AUDIENCE)
Whoa! I feel like I really belong..
JERRY
What's the matrix?
BILL
It would appear it's a theme park show, that parodies hit movies, but I don't
know.. nobody knows.. But all the ladies say.. We're pretty fly for Jedis.
TED
And the force will be with us.. always!
BILL
Excellent! And our Annual Halloween adventure would only be complete if we
could..
BILL and TED
JAM!
The pair perform their signature air guitar lick.
Dr. Evil appears with Mini-me. He holds a gun on the two teens.
DR. EVIL
Not so fast boys!
TED
Bogus!
JERRY
Guys! Guys! Listen.. You are both box-office time-travelers. Can't you guys
just get along.. I mean you've torn the fabric of space constantly.. What's
next?
BILL
Whoa! Jerry's right! We are all movie icons.. We need to set an example for
the youth of America. We can't always be fighting.
Bill and Ted hug. The moment is sincere, but quickly broken.
BILL & TED
Whoa!
Mini Me hugs Ted's leg.
BILL
I am Bill S. Preston Esquire..
TED & KEANU
And I am Ted "Theodore' Logan..
BILL
and we are.
BILL & TED
WILD STAYLINS!
Bill looks around at all of the misplaced movie and music stars.
BILL
Whoa! How do we get all of these Hollywood heavyweights..(to Fat Bastard) No
offense Dude, back to there proper times and movies..
DR. EVIL
I think I might have a way..
The music for the cult musical favorite "Time Warp" begins. The folically
challenged bad-guy takes lead vocals as our entire cast appears.
DR. EVIL
(SINGS)
It's astounding! Time is fleeting.. madness takes it's toll. But listen
closely.. not for very much longer.. I've got to friggin' keep control.
As the number builds, a time spiral appears near the saloon doors.
The music segues into Jennifer Lopez's "If you had my Love." From the saloon
steps the fiery latin beauty. When she turns we see that her derriere is
three times the proportional size. She waddles out. The music is uninspired.
Bill stops the fiery big-bottomed beauty.
BILL
Dude it's the anaconda chick!
TED
I didn't know she sang..
BILL
She doesn't!! We need a rocker!
The music segues into The Ricky Martin hit "Livin La Vida Loca" as the Latin
singer appears, in his hand the infamous cup of beer from earlier. The entire
cast reappears as Martin shakes, moves and gyrates.
The music continues as our cast moves into the stadium, surrounding our
guests. Ricky stands atop the gallows screaming out his hit.
Our movie characters dance with our guests as the freakish Michael Jackson,
sneak onto stage. Jackson places the TNT DETONATOR and looks out at the fun.
As the finale builds into a pyrotechnic display, Jackson sits on the plunger
causing the 1812 building to explode and comes crashing down around the
surgically altered Jackson. The lights go dark as a special illuminates the
pop icon freakish fiend. Mini-Me climbs atop the fallen building front and
gives our audience a heave-ho.
The lights go completely dark. They bump up as the hard rock eighties classic
"A Million Miles Away" begins and our characters take a bow. The audience
exits the arena and into the park.
-END-
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